Poetry

Oi.

I think i should write this down or i could be insane, i wish i could tell him everything but i can't, and sometimes i think these things are better left unsaid. though i really want to let him know that he's still the reason why i can't fall asleep at night.

I love him. Like really love him it hurts a lot. I have never feel so much love and pain until now. i thought those feelings are just one of many cheesy things from fan fiction but hell, i was so wrong. Like when i hear his name being called, i held my head up just to see if he was there. Everytime i walk pass by him, i just want to fall into his arm and cry on his shoulders without saying anything because i know he'll understand. But i can't even look into his now dull eyes, because i'm afraid that i'll dig my heart deeper and fill it with more of him. I mean it's too much. I can't spend a day without thinking about him, wondering where he was and what he might be doing. And sometimes day dreaming about every possibilities that could happen if we were together. Anyway i did try to stop day dreaming about him, because at the end of the day i always ended up crying on bed and wetting my pillows.

I miss him everyday, even when he plays soccer in the field in front of my class. I don't really want to sit and staring at him while he's playing football but what else can i do? I miss him way too much to care about what if he knows that i miss him, ya know? I love the way his hair fall to his forehead while he's running, i mean his hair is SO COOL i always wanted to run my fingers through it. And i don't know if anybody notice but he got a gay wrist when he plays soccer and it is SO CUTE. He looks happy though, and i'm happy to see that his friends can keep his joy awake. But it also made me wondering things, like did he think about me as much as i think about him? Or did he actually like me just as much as i do him? Or did he staring at his ceiling while making scenario of me and him just like how i always do?

God, i miss him a lot. I miss it when he'd ask me for a lunch or movie. I miss it when he said that he was right in front of my house. I miss the way he laugh when he talks about his ridiculous classmates, there would be a crinkle beside his eyes and sometimes he would cover his mouth because he smile so wide. I miss the way he plays games on his phone, he looked so serious he doesn't even realize that i have pictured him plenty times. I don't care if he ignores me and play the games instead, of course i got upset but if i think again, i should have look at him as much as i can. I should have take more pictures of him and save it on my google drives because that's the only safest place for keeping his pictures. I miss sitting in front of him and watch him sipping his coffee, hell, i even i miss the smell of his smoke. These feelings are not healthy, right? But really, he just looked so rad and cool when he sip his cigar and humming some random songs. Well as much as i miss the bad guy kind of him, i can't lie that i miss his nerd glasses so much. I really want to tell him that he can pull off that nerd look soooo good. I miss sitting at the back of his motorcycle and i can see his jansport backpack with that cute little shark hanging from his backpack's zip. I miss our very very long text though our topic never really that important. But little did he know, i can smile while reading every word he sent to me, he doesn't even have to flirt to make me blush with his text. LOL i don't know if he can't flirt or if he was too shy to flirt but honestly, i can count his flirts with my fingers and i'm fine with it. that's how he gets me anyway. and i miss how we could stay pass midnight and talk about the stupidest thing that a 'couple' would never talk about.

But most of all, i miss every single date we ever been doing. No matter how much it makes my heart sad when he ignored me back then. I miss the cold air of the night, and i miss our lame and oh-so-not-clear conversation when we were on his motorcycle. It doesn't matter if it was just the two of us or with our two beloved friends, i always love hanging out with him. Every place we've went together and every second we've spent together, please anyone, let him know that i loved it, and i miss it all.

I really hope i could turn back time and make things right, or maybe i can just turn back time to feel the love and the joy he has brought to a little part of my life. I wanna go back when he gave me a chocolate and a rose with a cute quote hanging on it. Then i wanna go back to our first conversation at the corridor of our school and say a simple thanks for the flowers, because i forgot to say it back then. I wanna go back to our first date and repeating it all over again, when it's just us and two cups of coffee. I remember when he ask me where to sit and what to order, i remember the way he raise his eyebrows when i can't say things right due to nervousness lol. Anyway I won't change a single thing of it, because that night was the best first date i ever had. I wanna feel the heartbeat all over again, i wanna feel the heat on my cheek till it turns maroon all over again. And our silent moment when we waited the rain. It felt awesome. Well, it was the first time he ever drawn a smile on my face and i can't even wash it off till i fell asleep. I wanna go back and tell him all my favorite songs, and all the songs i only listening to because it reminds me of him. I wanna tell him just how much he affects my playlist, just how many songs that i want to dedicate to
him.

I wanna repeat all of our dates and put my phone away, so i can literally having the time of my life while looking at him. This may sounds so lame and full of desperate but that is the truth. I AM desperately want him back to fill my days with all the feelings he always gave to me. I wanna feel it again, the way he make me feel important without he have to say it. The way he make me feel beautiful without he have to tell me directly. The way he respect me as a girl he liked, without all the skin-touched. Oh God, i could spend half of my life writing all my feelings for him, all things that i miss about him, and all our memories because i can see it all in my head with no blur.

But it's so hard to see him clearly lately, and i know i don't have any chance to stare at his amazing hair and his amusing expression anymore. And that fact always hunt me everytime.

I MEAN REALLY THOUGH, loving him is so unfair! There's too many things i wanna say and explain to him but i can't and it's just not that easy. The fact that i got a boyfriend now really frustrated me. I could say, my boyfriend is a better person than him.

My boyfriend gave me all the attention that you didn't give to me.
My boyfriend chat me everyday and ask how was my day when you never did.
My boyfriend complete the main term that always separate me and you, religion.

But God knows, my boyfriend can't melt my heart the way you do. He can't make me smile and cry the way you do. God knows, i don't love him the way i do you.