No Matter What

I held tightly to his shirt in the dim moonlight as I breathed in deeply. I loved the subtle mix of cigarette smoke and axe body wash that he always smelled like. It smelled like...I'm not sure how to explain the smell actually, it only smelled like safety to me. I buried my face deeply into the base of his neck being careful not to bump his pukka shell necklace. The white one with the St. Christopher medallion that hung just slightly off center. His strong arms shook slightly from anguish and fear. I griped the fabric tightly in my hands clenching my fists in the effort to prevent from crying.

I could not speak for the lump in my troat threatened to break at the slightest noise. Instead I enjoyed the simplicity of the moment. The simple pleasure of the silence as his breathes escaped his lips just as mine entered. The only noise was the slight rush of air when one of us would swallow.

My legs shook underneath me and I pulled back just far enough to see his face. The moonlight above me on my right lit Thomas's face up just enough that I could see the pain he was fighting so hard to hide. The dark circle surrounded his stunning blue eyes. His face was hard and rigid...nearly unrecognizable and I bit my lip at the sight. What had happened to the teddy bear I had fallen in love with? Where was the little boy with the shiny bright eyes and the crooked grin that took my breath away? When was he replaced by the stone monument that barely smiles these days.

"Thomas?" I whispered quietly in the cool night breeze. It was around 1:45 in the morning and my body trembled a little.

"Shhhh...Rachael please." he voice was quiet and I pressed my lips together. I watched as he rubbed his hand together awkwardly. "I just...I just don't know what to do anymore baby." he paused just for a moment.

"You don't understand how close I was to just getting in my car this week and driving. Just driving and driving and driving until I ran out of gas and then walking. Walking, walking and walking until my feet bled and I couldn't go any further. Then...I'd still be too close babe."

Tears spilled down my cheeks as I listened to him spill everything out and I  furiously shook my furiously. "You can;t leave me Thoomas...I can't do it alone. I just. Ican't..." he gently wrapped his hands on either side of my neck and pulled me close to kiss me.

"I'm not leaving...you didn't hear it all. I was sitting in my room tonight looking at our pictures you hung above my bed and finishing the song I wrote. And baby, I don't cry...ever. And I started to. It hit me, you are the only reason I am still here. you are beautiful, smart, talented. Sexy and loving. You know everything about me that makes me bad and you still love me. You honestly care for me and without you...I wouldn't be here."

I bit the edge of my cheek as I clung tightly to his every word. This was Thomas, my boyfriend. the one person who could make me smile when the world crumbled down around me. When I had cried endlessly for hours and hours, he had been the one to sit beside me and rub my back softly and whisper to me to calm me down. He was the one person who had found beauty in ever part of me I had hated. He saw me when everyone else could not see me. Thomas heard the words my mouth could not say.

His hand wrapped around mine and pulled me towards him as he walked quietly around the edge of my wooden fence. We stepped lightly avoiding the leaves on the ground trying to not alarm my dogs or wake my family. Thomas sat down at the base of the oak tree in the alley and pulled me down in his lap. I wrapped my arms tightly about his chest and sighed. I could feel his lips gently press down on my curly blonde hair as he kissed my head.

"Mo matter what Rachael, I'm gonna be here."

"Forever?"

"Always and forever...and then some baby. I love you."

I tucked my face in his neck and slowly ran my finders over his medallion as he hummed quietly to Landing in London by 3Doors Down, our song."

"And when the night falls in around me. I don't think I'll make it through. I'll use your light to guise the way...cause all I think about is you"