The Bird's Word

Him

This is a story. A story about him. The him that screwed up my life in such a perfect way. Because when I fall, I fall hard. In any situation. I give my all, and thus I loose my all. This is not a story of lost romance or things I wish could've been different. This is not a story about the one that got away. This is a story about a friend who I wished could've been a lover but wasn't and instead ended up as a brother.

So who is him? Him is Pepper; of course that's not his real name but it's a nickname that I used for him when talking about him in secret or to my friends. Pepper and I went to the same school for our whole lives pretty much. I never thought of him until the seventh grade when, I don't know why, I fell in love with him.

In that year we had no classes together, no connections. The only thing I had was old yearbook photos of him and a wish that he'd noticed me. Then eighth grade arrived. That's when it changed. In eighth grade we had three classes together and that was enough, that was everything.

But of course he had a girlfriend, a girl who used to be my friend in second grade. Me and her didn't have a fight and stopped behind friends it more of just faded away. But it hurt. It hurt really fucking bad. I wished he would be with me, but that wasn't how it was.

At one of our school dances I noticed Pepper was upset about something, he was just upset. It pissed me off because I saw his girlfriend just brush it off, not even trying to talk to him. Anyways, when I got home I finally threw my fear away and texted him. And he replied back. That's how it started.

I asked if he was alright and we held a light conversation for a while. Also keep in mind, during this time in my life I was depressed and facing self-harm. I had always suspected Pepper was too, by the way he acted. But I always convinced myself that I was just making it up. So, I broke the barrier between us and asked, "Do you cut?" He said yes. He asked me if I did and I said yes.

After that we started talking more deeper, if that's the right thing to say. I talked about everything and he told me so much. We bonded so quickly in that one night. After a few nights of this, he told me I was his honorary sister. But of course, I wanted to be his lover. He would tell me how much he loved his girlfriend and it broke me. I would pushed it off with a happy remark. He told me how he planned to buy her a necklace for Christmas and how he would imagine cuddling with her at night. Just like how I imaged cuddling with him.

This relationship stayed strong throughout the year. Pepper stayed with his girlfriend and I acted like I was happy for him. I'd tell him when I'd fucked up and he would tell me when he'd fucked up. Talking to him made me love him more. I remember one time, before going to bed, he texted me "Night. I love you babe." I knew of course this wasn't meant for me. He corrected it, saying he sent it to me by accident. But how I fucking dreamed he would've meant that for me in some other universe.

We graduated eighth grade and our ways parted. It's been three to four months since I've seen his face. We never saw each other over the summer and we go to different high schools. I've tried contacting him through his numbers but I have yet to get a reply.

Over time, the love I had for him faded. But I always think of him for time to time. I guarantee you if I could talk to him face-to-face for even hour I would fall back in love with him. I don't know if I'll ever love someone like I loved him. He understood me and I understood him. I miss him and everything we could've been. But I don't think he ever really loved me or will ever love me the way I loved him. But that's okay.

So this was the story of him. The boy who made me feel complete. The boy who stole all the love in my heart. We never even dated and still he was my first heartbreak. I wonder if he thinks of me from time to time. I wonder if he misses me. But I will not wait forever for him to come back. I will not wait to see him on the crossroads. I loved you, Pepper.