Reflections: Finding Myself

2: Fears

It's true that, while lives such as my own are not full of extreme danger and fear that those termed 'less fortunate' are usually faced with, we suffer other fears; fears that are less tangible and not so easy to interpret. I'm sure that not even a psychologist would fully understand the crazy workings of my mind in their attempt to put me in the category that society deems as 'right' and 'normal'. Is it even possible to categorize somebody who imagined up 2 more siblings as 'sane'? Even my fears seem completely irrational. My fear of pain is stupid because I have a relatively high pain tolerance. My other fears follow suite in irrationality.

It is this intangible fear that instils in people the desire to stay as far out of the way as remotely possible. The fear that by doing something, even with the purest intentions, it will instantaneously go wrong. You always manage to leave out that small detail. A word misheard. An instruction misinterpreted. A step executed improperly due to the fault of an excess of humanity in your genetics that stops a tasks correct completion. With a perfectionist for a mother it becomes hard to grow up making mistakes. Staying as far as possible was the best help because I would always stuff something up and then hell broke loose. I always wanted to help but could never bring myself to face her overbearingly confident, perfect demeanour. I just shrank whenever she was in the room.

There is another affliction. The fear caused by knowing that something will go wrong that is totally out of your control. The situation will go well with every step done right but the project will somehow still manage to spontaneously combust. Or perhaps just that the project will never reach completion is the greatest fear. I guess this is kind of a follow up to the previous fear. I mean, if somebody is going to blow at the smallest mistake it becomes very intimidating to work and your confidence takes such a heavy blow that you can't even think about continuing. This is one of the biggest down steps in depression, trust me, it's not pretty and not easy to work your way out of - just another reason to stay as far away as remotely possible.

In the attempt to do it as immaculately as possible I may take a little too long and the thing is snatched from my grasp before I've even reach the half way point. It's a disheartening thing to be stopped for being too slow in your attempt to attain the perfection that others desire of you – the perfection that you desire of you. Once in the presence of the experienced their experience causes such impatience that you become an annoyance – much like a persistent fly. My mother, in her 30 odd years of cooking experience, never fails to make me feel inadequate in the kitchen. It came to the point that I began to fear going in the kitchen with her there. She didn't do it on purpose. She didn't understand why I cried whenever she was disappointed in me. She always thought that I was feeling sorry for myself.

The fear of disappointment is another problem I've often over looked. It's not that it's unusual, it's just that there doesn't seem to be many people who are ok with admitting that they're afraid to fail simply because they are afraid to face the disappointment from the people they care about. It's usually confused with a fear of embarrassment – you know, making a huge fool of yourself. There is both a big difference and too many similarities.

It's not the type of fear that sends chills up your spines and might send you running for the hills as fast as the Flash or into some theatrical display of adrenaline and impressive muscle usage. No, it's the kind of fear that makes you want to curl into a ball and forget that anything had happened. Alternatively it would make you rebellious and irritable and start making a bigger fuss over the matter, in which case you are more than likely going to turn into a follow-up stage of depression or aggression.

Don't get me wrong – the fear of disappointing and fear of disappointment are totally different. The only real similarity is the word 'disappoint' at the beginning of the name. The latter is a fear that centralizes around your own interpretation of the situation. It's a comparison of how good or bad you expected it to be with how good or bad it actually is. Usually it's when you hope for the absolute best or even a good and end up with your hopes dashed and your expectations thrown out a random window. The fear of the disappointment you feel at having what you expected turn out to be way down the ladder of your mind at the bottom of a pit somewhere. I'm talking about the fear that makes you uncertain about a task because you don't want somebody to be even remotely disappointed in you.

If you're lucky then you've got a great bounce back ability wherein you push it to the back of your mind or forget about it. Perhaps you'll even learn from it then move on. On the other upside you could be the one that likes to turn every bad experience into a burst of energy that you use pursuing a hobby or being unnecessarily active. Anything that'll keep your mind off of the terrible moment that had just passed. It's a good way to be if the fear of disappointing is persistent in your life. I recently figured out that it's the reason for my random, impulsive, obsessive cleaning modes.

It's unfortunate for those who, can't bounce back as easily. As much as obsessive cleaning helps to take my mind of it for a while, reality eventually catches up with my tired out mind. We tend to dwell a little longer, maybe get a little depressed as a bonus. The experience brings tears to our eyes and heavies our hearts. It's one of the many benefits of being over-sensitive to situations. I really hate the infallible ability I have to cry (even one or two drops) when people get angry at me. On the flip side I guess I don't really get angry either. My mind just prefers to cleanse my eyes instead of making somebody else miserable or irritable. I guess that's why I can't be a teacher.

At least I can understand that much of myself.