Reflections: Finding Myself

3. Understanding

Understanding is the basis of human communication. It's also the basis of human existence, though many don't realize it. If we can't understand ourselves how can we understand others? Moreover, how can we expect others to understand us? I know that it's difficult to find yourself. Your purpose isn't exactly always clear. Many people can't reflect deeply enough to even skim the top of the room in their being where this question is. Some people who do can't find the answer and generally don't survive - or become really angry at the world.

I don't mean this in a way of questioning life as a whole. I'm not brave enough to even look at that subject, let alone touch it. I mean the ability to understand ourselves enough that we reach the point where the world doesn't bother us. When I finally began my questioning, and I did, I was only 10 years old. It was easy for me to ignore it most of the time; fifth to seventh grade took a lot of my time. It hit me hardest when I was in 9th grade...

... and my friend died.

It hit us all pretty hard, her suicide. Her best friend and I were hit the hardest; me for my over-sensitivity and her for obvious reasons. It made my battle with that question all the more urgent and prominent in my mind. She always crossed my mind when I was alone and thoughtful. By the time I turned 16, I was more sorrowful than ever. The world was a sad place and I decided to stop listening to the news. In the quiet of the night I'd let the tears claim me like always but they began to become more frequent. When the disappointment became unbearable my eyes would leak, when the hot water hit me in the shower the tears and water streaked my face in unity such that it was indistinguishable which was salt and which was not.

I struggled to reach my understanding. Everyone's journey to themselves is different. Each person approaches it differently, feels it differently and comprehends it differently, despite it being the same problem. As such we all solve the problem differently. My fear of pain endowed me with the ability to avoid self-harm. So I drew and wrote until the pen shape had engraved my fingers and a small callous developed on my middle finger on the right hand. It's how I am able to convey this to you now, I guess.

I solved this problem - strangely, I guess; strangely but somehow painfully obviously. For those of us who grow up with religion, we are raised on the basis of belief in the unseen. It's easy for some people to easily accept. Actually it is easy to accept it when it's how you're raised. Using that belief as the answer to understanding yourself is a different story. An altogether more centred one because you have to feel it deep in yourself. The answer must make your heart feel light and make the world's idealisms seem meek and unworthy of your attention. It's not something that a learned person's speech can induce, they can't just tell you that God will forgive and everything becomes fine and dandy as candy. No. This is something you have to do yourself. Most of the time, learned people just frustrate you anyway. You don't need people to tell you what is right and what is wrong. You need somebody who is going to help you understand yourself in such a way that you can connect to yourself. Nobody has the ability to do that besides you.

I found my understanding in my more spiritual side. I've never had an epiphany but the feeling of relief and clarity that I felt seems pretty much like an epiphany to me. I don't know how else to describe it. This didn't happen randomly, I promise you that. It was one of those moments when I couldn't take it anymore. In the middle of the day, in grade 10, the sadness hit me hard, like some ruthless tsunami, and made my eyes start to water uncontrollably. I did a duck and cover manoeuvre and scrambled for the bathroom - locked myself in too, for good measure. I sat there crying silently for at least 10 minutes - a record for a daylight cry - until I finally asked myself what the hell was wrong with me. I can't remember all the details, I just remember thinking that I wasn't going to take the load of nonsense the world was dishing out at me anymore and all the lessons that my teachers had ever imparted to me - religious and not. Which brings me to an off topic point - teachers are NOT your friends and they are NOT your parents. They are there to impart knowledge not lecture you about your upbringing.

In my religion we believe that (a) everyone was put here for a purpose, (b) you ave a significant impact on the people around you, (c) you should be the best person you can be, even when the world is not recognizing it (there's some-being who IS recognising it), (d) you will not leave this world until your purposes - big or small - here have been completed, and (e) you will not die until the people around you can bear to lose you because God does not burden the heart with more than it can bear.

So your struggles are only as great as you are. If you ask me, this is why everyone believes that theirs is the biggest problem in the world - because for you it is a big problem. You probably wouldn't be able to handle the other 'bigger problems' that individuals face out there. Don't get me wrong, it's not an excuse to start whining, it's a reason to get up and keep going. Remember that you can handle what life throws at you because you need to understand that you were literally born for this life and understand that others are going through their own tough times as was suited for their life.

Sorry, I feel like I'm being preachy.

Like I said though, everyone's experience leading up to the complete understanding is different. My sister is still a bit stuck. She's just hitting the main age so let's pray she doesn't do anything drastic - she's not the one afraid of pain after all. Just know that the experience didn't make me any less emotional; it just made me a lot less self-pitying and gave me a new found ability to brush off the world. Which people should be afraid of because I was already blunt and direct to begin with.

Of course my new priority after that stage was to be as good a daughter and sister as I could possibly be in the short space of time left to me. It wasn't going to be easy but what wouldn't we do for the ones we loved?