Confessions of the Heart

Confession #2 (2): An Account of Trauma

20.2.15
I'm an extension of her. I don't know who I am without her. Who Am I, if not a writer? Who Am I, if not a singer? Who Am I, if not... If not her granddaughter?

She made me everything I am today. Single handedly.

How am I to cope without her? Who would teach me english, sociology and psychology? Who would I confide in about my first heartbreak? Whom would I first tell about the boy I would like to marry? Whom would I ask for advice? Who would I go to when I have a bad dream? Who would tell me to believe in God? Who would weigh out the pros and cons of things to help me decide? Who would be my special someone...The one whose entire being seemed to be connected with mine? Who would be my saviour?

I just... I love her so much, it's crazy how it doesn't just eat me up. Right now, my whole being is screaming to me to let go, but how??

There's nothing in the world that can help me or control what I'm feeling. There's no one in the world that could possibly understand what I'm feeling right now. And I hope that no one ever has to.

I just hope she gets through this. I hope she chooses what she wants to choose. I love her.

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26.2.15

It's now that I regret not singing songs for her every time she asked me to. It's now that I regret not sitting with her and pressing her shoulders. It's now that I see how wrong I was to ever have passed up an opportunity to meet her.

Cause now, in what seems like the last straw, my throat constricts at the very sight of her. My hands numb. My vision blurs.

I wish I could go back to the time when she had asked me if I needed help in my studies. I wish I could go back to the time when she had asked me to hug her.

Cause now, my body aches to feel her presence. I ache to talk to her, to hear her voice.

I ache to feel whole again. I ache to feel safe and warm as I did in her embrace. I ache to hold her without having to see her face contort in pain.

Everything that I am is because of her. There's nothing I want more in the world than to have her live on with me.

But seeing her frail body lying limp on a bed isn't my wish.

It's strange, but I find it easy to understand the feelings of others. I understand that he wants her to stay alive. I know that he just wants to fulfil her wish to stay alive. But what kind of life can one lead, strapped up to all kinds of machines? What kind of heart wants to be caged up?

While I see this from all angles, all I can say is that... I don't know.

I only remember having one picture of the two of us alone. I want that picture so bad. I love her so much. And it may seem strange but every time I think this, my throat constricts. I do. I love her. I love her more than any being on earth. She's my everything. I wish there was a word more intense - like devotion - to explain exactly how I feel for her. But for now, it's just pure love.

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23.9.15

And there's nothing I want more than to have her back. I feel so alone now. Suddenly, every problem seems bigger... Every hurdle more challenging.

I don't know how to do this without her. I don't know how... I just - every problem seems to lead to her. If she was just here...If she could just be here again, for one moment - I'd give up anything just to hear her voice again. Just to hear her say, "Cookie," once more.

I'd cross any river and climb any mountain. Just to hug her once more. Just to ask her how I'm supposed to go on without her. Just to tell her that I love her. And I always will.
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A more vivid account of what has been going on in my mind. With no editing or anything.

I'm not quite sure why I'm putting this up. But it's definitely not for attention. This is not to make you think that I'm going through too much. I'm not looking for sympathy.

I was just recently told that I was holding back. So I put up the most raw stuff I had. I don't want to hold back anymore. It doesn't help.

So, shout out to Vick for making me do this! Thank you.