Confessions of the Heart

Confession #1-The Writer's Confession

This...This should be easier for me...Considering I'm a writer and all... but it isn't...

I don't know what to say though...

It's so much easier to just hide behind a character and say what you like; be what you want... But in real life, all of us writers are just runaways... We've hidden our feelings, thoughts and fantasies to such an extent that now it's become second nature to us. We write them down, they grow along with our stories and plots; we become our characters, grow satisfied when they get their love. We've learned not to risk heartbreak and, in the bargain, we never risk love. 

Love...We fear love... It's so much easier for us to jump into our character's mind and say yes, or forgive someone, but in real life that doesn't happen. In real life we refuse to take the chance. If love is a gamble, we call its bluff before we even get the cards.

It could take years to understand why... Maybe it's 'cause we're happier in our fantasies and are afraid that the real world won't cater to our preconceived notions and necessary romantic gestures. It could also be because we would rather be our characters; strong and dominating; always right...

However, I have another theory. I think we do this because it's easier for us to assume things and build up scenarios or have expectations. It's easier for us to imagine the pain of heartbreak, to have our characters and ourselves experience it and so we are fearful; we are dazed. We pretend to be fine but we know we're not. We know we have too much upon this world. We know we can't get that happy ending that our characters get and so we envy them.

We live in our characters, in our books, in our fantasies, in our nightmares. We share our better halves with our characters and so we pretend we don't need anyone else to share anything with.

But, in the end of the day, we crave love like a newborn turtle craves the water. We need it, we want it; more than anyone else in the whole world. We're just so preoccupied trying to make ourselves believe that we do not, that we don't put ourselves out there for fear that we'll feel that real pain and anger and then we won't believe in that real love again. 

We fear that if our hearts break, we won't be able to mend them and then... There goes our happy ending.

So, yes, although I do fear that you'll ruin me, my books, my characters and everything beyond that, today, I'll find the courage to tell you that I truly feel for you and that I've done so for a long time. I will risk all that today, in order to let you know that I won't be shy forever.

However, I will not reveal my true identity for fear that I will lose the little dignity I have in society. but if you've ever even heard of me, you'll know who I am.