Heart vs. mind (SwanQueen)

Love is weakness

Regina's POV
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My mom always told me love was weakness. I never believed her until I watched her kill my true love. The love, actually, more like the loss of my love, made me become the person everyone feared, everyone hated, and that was the evil queen.

I never wanted that for myself. I really wanted to be happy, but my mothers words kept ringing in the back of my mind. Yes it's true, I killed my father to cast a curse that brought me here. I honestly thought it would make me happier, but it really didn't, because I had no one to love, no one who loved me, because despite what my mother said "love was happiness." That's when I adopted Henry. It was a closed adoption so the woman who gave him up had no rights to him, which I was totally okay with. We were happy for a while, until his teacher, Mary Margaret Blanchard gave him that stupid book of fairytales and that pretty much ruined everything.
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Flashback
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Henry had been gone for days, and I was getting worried that something had happened to him. That's when a car, I didn't recognize pulled up in front of my house one night. I went out to see who it was when Henry came running up to me. "Oh Henry where have you been? I've been so worried!" I said almost crying as I hugged him tightly, but he struggled from my grip and broke free. "I found my
Real mom!" He said to me before he ran into the house. That's when I saw her. Brown boots, dark blue jeans, grey tank top, red leather jacket, blonde curly hair, gorgeous smile... "Wait what the hell? I'm with Graham, and I'm 100%, totally in love with...Damn it! I'm in love with this chick and I haven't even talked to her. "You're Henry's birth mother?" I ask almost sounding rude and instantly regret saying this. She gave me a nervous smile and her eyes sparkled like pixie dust. "I swear I'm going crazy." I thought, but when I heard her voice, I knew my heart was telling me one thing, but my mind was telling me something different. "Hi" was all she said, and I swear I probably orgasmed right there. I immediately turned down the volume of the sounds in my head and just listened to my heart. "How about a glass of the best apple cider you've ever tasted?" I asked her with a smile. She didn't say anything so I just went inside, unaware that she had followed me in until I realized I had slammed the front door right in her face. I rushed to open it again, and let her inside. I could tell her mind was wandering, she wasn't answering any of my questions. "Why do all the pretty ones have to be dumb blondes?" I asked myself. "Wait? Did I just say all the pretty ones?" I shook the thought out of my head and rushed her out the door.
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Let me get something straight, that's what I am, straight. I'm as straight as my boyfriends arrow. No wait that sounds wrong. Let me explain. My boyfriend is Robin Hood, the guys who steals from the rich and gives to the poor and yada yada and he always carries a bow and arrows with him. That's what I meant by arrow, not his... Never mind.

Anyways, back to my story. Every morning I get up early to watch Emma jog in front of my house, I don't know why, I just do it. It's like something is telling me to reach out to her, but my mind is telling me that it's wrong, that I'm straight, that I can't fall for the savior. After all I am the evil queen. What would people think of the savior, the one who has the lightest magic, if she dated me,the evil queen, the one with the darkest magic? Besides its basically insect considering I'm Snow whites step mother. Eew just saying that gives me a bad taste in my mouth.  Anyways, yea, I watch her run from my window every morning. Is that weird? Cause if it is, then something is clearly wrong with me. That's what my mind tells me 24/7 but deep down inside, in my heart I knew that I was gay, gay for Emma Swan. Yup, that little bitch stole my sexuality and now that she has it, there's no way I can get it back. I couldn't love her, I couldn't love anyone. After all "love is weakness Regina." God damn it that stupid voice!!!

It's been over 30 something years since I last saw mother, but her voice is perfectly clear in my head. I knew my mother was right. Everyone I loved died, hell I even killed Graham... The one who fucked me every night... Yea I killed him. He's as dead as, well as dead as my dad, But that was mostly because I was jealous of him getting too close to Emma. "Wait what? Just pretend I didn't say that, it never really happened. Okay yes it did, but I can't ever let Emma know. She'd kill me. But it would be worth it right? I mean she would be happy with that fucking pirate she calls her one handed wonder. Damn it I should have killed him while I had the chance! If I kill him now, she will never want me, but if  I make them break up...God what the fuck was wrong with me I'm going back to the evil queen! Hell no, I'm a good girl now Regina."  That was just an every day battle that played out in my head, and to be honest, I did my best to just tune it out, but Then she jogged by the house, and I swear to god, I was so turned on that I literally pissed myself. "Damn it Regina! You can't be gay!" My mind said, but my heart said "oops too late, the ship for being straight had sailed." And my brain just wouldn't admit that I, Regina mills, the evil queen, mayor of Storybrooke, liked, no loved and was secretly gay for one person and one person only, and that person was Emma Swan.