My Voice for My Heart

Chapter 11: Aodhan

Aohdan

When I had first left Lord Arden's, and I was alone with only an exacting and unhappy tutor as company, I made plans to run away.

They were the plans of a boy, so it included lengthy and eloquent goodbyes to the servants who had been kind to me, to the cook who had given me poultices for my back and arms when I was whipped, and biting, cutting retorts to the master who beat me, leaving him bereft of both my presence and my musical genius.

I imagined my adventures after leaving.

I would, of course, come back for Keela, and take her on these adventures, not so much as a partner, but as an observer, someone to clap their hands and gasp at my quick thinking and creativity.

As time passed, I came to understand that I couldn't leave; that I had nowhere to go and no one to take me in, that I had no way to support myself, or Keela, if I left and spirited her away.

At fourteen, I was only aware of a strange worry at the back of my mind that kept me up at night when I would think about her. I had to block her out of my mind during the day. When my mind alighted on her, I would miss notes or make mistakes, and suffer for them. It was only at night that I could relax and think about Keela.

I wrote notes to her, embedding them into my letters for Bhaltair. I wanted her to know I was thinking about her, but I never heard from her, and it worried me. When Bhaltair finally visited, a year after we'd all gone, I asked why I hadn't heard from her. He told he he hadn't given any of my letters to her, and began to explain what had changed in the year we'd been gone.

That was the start of our planning, but everything; every plan for a new alliance, for a change in the way the estate was run, every discussion about who we could trust and who we couldn't, it all went back to Keela and how she would figure into our lives. I knew before how important she was to me, but knowing how she was treated made her all the more dear to me. I don't know what I would have done if Bhaltair had told me then how he'd had to treat her.

When Bhaltair left, our planning didn't stop. I would write in code to our brothers to keep them abreast of our plans. They would write back, and I'd send on questions to Bhaltair.

I always asked after Keela when I wrote to Bhaltair, and when I received letters from the other men, they would ask about her too.

Bhaltair's reports about her started specific.

"She was learning Latin with Brother Francis."

"She'd learned to ride side saddle."

"She was harvesting from her garden, and putting up beans."

"She found a dog, she's named it Finn because he is golden."

Eventually, Bhaltair's news contained less and less news of Keela, and the messages between all of us became desperate.

Ciaran's letters inevitably contained worries and threats, "You said you'd watch out for her Bhaltair! Is she taking care of herself?" while Còiseam's tried to mask his worry and anxiety, "She's still going to her lessons, isn't she? You're making sure she gets there safely, Bhaltair."

Athol's letters were simply phrases, but powerful nonetheless, "Embrace her. No one else does."

As for my own letters to Bhaltair, they contained the same amount of disquiet as the rest, but also contained warnings, "Watch for letters from Lord McNeill's, his wife has died and he has been searching for a new one. He mentioned Lord Arden at his gathering."

My position as a musician gained me entrance into the houses of important people. It was all part of Lord Arden's plan for the nine of us; designing ways to gather the most information, insinuate ourselves with influential people, and ultimately, report all that information back to him so he could use it to his advantage. We had begun the work blindly. We had spent our childhood at his house, he fostered us all for our families, and we all felt we owed him our allegiance, at least in the beginning. If it wasn't for Bhaltair, we would have served him blindly, and he would have gotten rid of Keela faster.