“and he suddenly knew that if she killed herself, he would die. Maybe not immediately, maybe not with the same blinding rush of pain, but it would happen. You couldn't live for very long without a heart.”
― Jodi Picoult Death isn't a joke. Cutting yourself isn't a joke. Depression isn't a joke. To me, depression is the same as a form of decease or disability. It's something people try to avoid conversation about but when it is brought up, it's usually brought up by a cold hearted idiot with no respect for anyone but themselves. People who are depressed know that they are loved, they know that they are relevant. It's just this feeling that you can't help but having that it's not real love. But when you're depressed, love isn't important. Your mind blocks out anyone that loves you more than you can ever imagine and you feel more alone than ever.
You don't commit suicide because you're sad. You don't commit suicide because everyone hates you and you hate yourself. You commit suicide because all you have is your mind left. Everyone around you becomes harder and harder to care about when your mind is telling you that they don't care about you. Depression eats up your spirit. It devours your mind, thought for thought and makes you believe that there is no other way out than death. Death has never sounded more beautiful to anyone than a depressed person.
No one is ever 100% happy and that is a fact. There is always a part of someone that is lost in their own head, or a part of their mind and soul that is being replaced by sadness. There is no way out. There's no cure to depression other than feeling loved. There's no way to happiness unless you have something to be happy about. It's as simple as that. It's not your choice to be depressed. It's not fun to be upset about all that is good and pure around you. Suicide is your mind forcing you to take your life away far too early. Depression is not a choice.
I was paralyzed as I stood near the office door. I would've ran up to the door, slammed it in Clause's face and locked it as quick as possible. Maybe I'd even sleep on the office couch so I wouldn't have to face him until the morning; when he would most likely complain about his hangover and blame me for passing out so many drinks. But for once, something stopped me and I couldn't move.
There were so many thoughts swirling around my head at once that I almost forgot how to act myself. Clause let himself into his office ands I sat down slowly on the opposite end of the couch hoping he was too drunk to try anything. He slumped down onto the couch, his head falling onto my lap. I gasped as his head hit my lap and was nearly going to push him off when he looked up at me and said "I wish I was religious like you, Claire. Little Claire you are. I only prayed once when I was a uh little boy? I asked God to make me a Man. Does liking younger woman make a man Claire? I miss Sebastian's mommy sometimes but it wasn't my fault I promise."
Clause mumbled some words that sounded something like a mix of promise and swears. I kept quite because I never actually considered the fact that Clause had feelings. I never even thought that he may miss his wife and feel bad for the mistake he made with his intern. For the first time I actually felt pity for Clause. Clause loved his wife but who can handle the curse of lust? I knew for sure that I couldn't. Nobody can help what or who they're attracted to.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." he began chanting. I put my hand of Clause's head as a form of comfort and he began uncontrollably sobbing and hiccuping. I patted his head and whispered to him that everything would be okay for the both of us. Clause sat up and wiped his nose with his sleeve. "Sometimes I'm not.. I'm sure what I'd do without you kid. ddo. Kiddo." He slurred out.
"Thanks Clause but maybe you should stop talking and just rest..." I suggested.
"I'm that not drunk. Am I?"
"Actually yes Clause, you are that drunk. Would you like a glass of water or something?" I asked.
"Actually Claire, I think Clause and I are gonna go get another drink hahahah."
"That's probably not the best idea for you or Mom's party so you should just stay here." I said sarcastically.
"So you want me to stay here?" Clause asked with just a little too much hope in his glassy blue eyes.
I hesitated with my response and after a sigh I said "I just don't want you too ruin moms party or get hurt or something. That's all."
Clause began to burst out laughing. Tears were streaming down his rosy face and he was slapping his thighs and his laughter began to sound like thunder to my ears. I scooted away on the couch, afraid of how my stepfather was acting. Clause immediately stopped laughing once he caught me scooting away and grabbed me by both thighs and pulled me closer to him. His short fingernails digging into my flesh, I winced.
"Please!" I shouted. Clause slapped his hand over my mouth with one hand and pulled my neck back by my hair with the other hand. Clause approached my face, wet tears from laughter still tracked on his cheeks. He rubbed his wet tears onto my cheeks and I silently whimpered, my entire body shaking. Clause made an odd noise with his mouth, laughed again a little, and whispered into my ear "You and your mommy are both very pretty ladies". He pushed my head back with the hand that was over my mouth and used the other hand to caress my boob. It was my turn to begin sobbing. “But you're a very different little girl, Claire. You're not little anywhere." He grabbed my boob harder to emphasize his point. "You're smart too. You don't have a little mind like mommy, do you?" I bit Clause's hand at that comment and he cursed under his breath but didn't remove his hand. "I have many favorite things about you, baby girl. I can't put my finger on what my favorite is yet though." He blew hot air into my ear. Clause began to slide a single finger down an invisible trail down my stomach. My body felt like it was being set on fire. For the first time I felt as if I was capable of murder.
"You Claire, you my dear, have a gift. You have the features of a princess and the body of a porn star." I bit Clause's hand even harder this time and the sudden taste of another person's blood gave me the urge to throw up. Clause pulled his hand off me and slapped me with it. He cursed and told me to shut up even though I was too disgusted to say a single word in the first place. Clause got off me and stared at me right in the eyes. His still face sent chills down my spine and suddenly I couldn't remember how to shout for help. His face was no longer red from the alcohol but pale and cold as if he was a corpse. Clause focused on taking the dirt out from underneath his thumb fingernail with his index finger nail for a moment and then calmly walked out of the office. He didn't look back once, leaving me frozen on the couch with the taste of a monster's blood on my lips.
