I started screaming for help, unsure of what to do. I didn’t want to leave her, but what choice did I have ? I stood, looking down at her, “This is all my fault.” Her head had a huge gash on it that was bleeding pretty bad, and she wasn’t moving or responding to me. This was bad, really bad. The pasture was by the road, and a passing car saw Carson and jumped out. “I need some help, can you call the ambulance or get the stable owner or something ?!” I begged the lady who had gotten out. She did both, and I stayed by my best friends side. It was scary to see them load her up in the ambulance, neck brace and all, muttering medical jargon I didn’t understand. I called her parents and some of the guys from the waiting room, frantic.
I had called Austin and Rian, because I felt like they would be the most calm and mature about the situation. The pair arrived before Carson’s parents even did. The doctors wouldn’t allow me to see her, and they didn’t have an update for me yet, so I was stuck in the waiting room. When they arrived, her parents rushed up to me, demanding to know what had happened. I relayed the story, explaining that it was all my fault. They tried to console me, but I knew the truth- I had landed my best friend in the hospital. Her parents left the room shortly after, to sign some papers or whatever, and I was left with Austin and Rian.
“It was a freak accident dude, it really wasn’t your fault,” Rian told me reassuringly. I just sat in silence, worried to death. I was shaky and jittery, driving everyone crazy with my pacing. Rian had to leave, and Carson’s parents were waiting it out with coffee in the cafeteria, so it was just Austin and I in the waiting room. He tried so hard to calm me down, but to no avail. I didn’t know what I would do if she wasn’t okay, she was my best friend. I had only known her a short time, but it felt exactly as though Kellin or Tony or someone else from our group was in the hospital. I knew that some of the guys had heard, and they were upset too. She was one of us now, this was one of our own…I will have missed my chance to tell her how much she means to me, and that I…that I love her.
That was the first time I admitted to myself that I loved her, but I knew deep down inside that I did, and other people could see it too. She just meant so much to me, I couldn’t even begin to describe it. Just like I couldn’t begin to describe the pain I felt now. I just really needed to tell her how I felt…what if I never got the chance ? I vowed to tell her as soon as I saw her again, right after I apologized for putting her in this nightmare.
I finally sat down and dozed off, dreaming of Carson of course. I just kept replaying the accident, and each time I was never able to save her. I would know it was about to happen, and I would try and try, but each time it happened exactly the same. When I woke up, I tried to close my eyes and rest again, but behind my eyelids I only saw the image of Carson broken and bleeding. It was no use, it was evident I couldn’t function without her.
How could someone I’ve only known for a little over two months impact me so much ? My day didn’t feel right if I didn’t talk to her and see her throughout. And now that that routine had been interrupted, I couldn’t eat or sleep, or even sit still. That had to mean that I really did love her, right ? Hopefully what they say about love is true- that it conquers all.
Five minutes after her parents joined me, Carson’s doctor came striding out. “Family of Carson Grey ?” We jumped up at the same time, eagerly awaiting the news. He looked into each of our eyes, gauging our reactions. He looked to her parents “I’m sorry…but your daughter, she’s…”
“And yet to every bad, there is a worse.”
