I was in my bedroom when it happened. I'm always in my bedroom, actually. I should probably go out more. Ha, no. Anyways, I was burritoed in three different blankets, and watching Mulan on Netflix, when I got a text from an unknown number.
unknown: sneloket time
me: what
unknown: sneloket time
me: yeah, i can read. who is this?
unknown: sneloket time
me: okay
unknown: sneloket time
I stopped replying. Whoever that sender was probably didn't pass English class. But, sneloket obviously meant skeleton. Skeleton time. It's not even Halloween yet. There was a knock at my window, and it sounded super fucking sharp, like a stick tapping on glass. I reluctantly pulled back the drapes, and my cold, shriveled heart nearly stopped beating. Someone please explain to my why there was a fucking skeleton outside.
"Hey, man. Let me in."
"No."
The skeleton just stood there with its arms crossed, as if it were upset at me for not opening the window like i was some dumbass in a horror movie. "It;s cold out here, man. C'mon." The skeleton looked around behind himself, and then at me. I raised my eyebrow at him and said, "But you don't even have nerves. How are you talking? What is this?" Why was I even talking to a skeleton? He didn't seem dangerous though, aside from being a skeleton, so i opened the window to let him in.
He climbed through the window and squatted down like he was in a rap video. "I'm the one who sent the messages." He showed me his old ass Nokia. "The Skeleton War is upon us," he paused and gazed out of the window dramatically, before he continued, "I can feel it in my bones."
"Which bones?" I asked him
"All the bones."
He looked like he was in deep thought, though he probably didn't even have a brain. Bet money he didn't have a brain and it already decomposed. "What's The Skeleton War? Are we at war with skeletons, or..?" My voice trailed off as I grabbed a Capri Sun. In that moment, my heart sank at the sight of him. He couldn't drink a Capri Sun.
He stood up and paced around my room as he began to explain himself. "The Skeleton War will be mark the beginning of Mr.Skeletal's uprising. He's our leader, and he wants to take over earth. We will accept humans as soldiers, but they'll most likely die. The humans who die will just become skeletons anyways, and add to our army. I haven't even introduced myself. My name is Cornelius." He seemed irritated by the sound of me slurping the Capri Sun, so I stopped. "Cool, I'm JoJo. So, when exactly is this war gonna start?" I needed to know, so I could hide in my closet for three straight months. Cornelius thought for a minute before finally answering, "Maybe in a week, maybe in a month. Maybe sooner. It could happen to-MARROW." I stared at him like I was on The Office.
"Get it? Because It's The SKELETON War? Skeletons are a bunch of bones?"
"Thanks, Cornelius, I get it."
"And bones have marrow? The SKELETON War could start to-MARROW?" I could hear him starting to chuckle. I can't believe this. "Seriously though," He suddenly sounded a lot more stern than before. "I have a few humans who are willing to work for us already. I say us, because I'm assuming you'll join the side of the skeletons, correct?" I just nodded. I'd eventually be a skeleton anyways, so why not? Cornelius nodded in approval and continued his story. "The Skeletal Army is sure to win, since the dead outnumber the living. Not to mention the fact that We have one of our top henchmen buying equipment for weaponry at Walmart."
"You're buying weapons for a war at Walmart?"
"Yeah, humans are weak. Very fragile."
"Cornelius, this is not paintball, this is a WAR with REAL GUNS and REAL TANKS and REAL SOLDIERS"
"Fear not," said the actual, talking skeleton, "She should be arriving shortly." As if on queue, a curly haired girl crawled her way into my room with a gigantic bag in her hands. Just waltzed right in. Didn't even ask. "I got the stuff." She handed the bag to Cornelius, who peered inside before turning his gaze back to the girl. "Nice work, Aubrie. Humans are weak to fire, so these flamethrowers will definitely come in handy."
"Walmart sells flamethrowers?"
"No, but I know a guy. He works there." Aubrie sat in one of the chairs in my room. "So you're joining the skeletons?" I nodded and reached for my remote. "Of course. We'll all be skeletons sooner or later. Might as well make a couple of friends." She seemed pleased with my answer and reached for a Capri Sun before going to speak again. "Just wait until you meet Mr. Skeletal. He looks really fucking scary, but he's clumsy and he's actually a nerd and probably couldn't figure out how to pour water out of a boot with the instructions written on a heel."
Cornelius gasped. "Don't talk about Mr. Skeletal that way!"
"Why? You gay for Mr. Skeletal?"
"N-No. I mean, sure, he makes my kokoro go doki doki, but-"
"You don't even have a kokoro." Aubrie chuckled and popped the straw through her Capri Sun as Cornelius took the bag of flamethrowers and snapped his fingers, opening a portal in the wall behind my TV. "C'mon. We have work to do, and Mr. Skeletal needs to examine our weaponry. Let's go."
I sighed as I crawled out of bed, and followed the both of them through the portal. "Do we have ravioli where we're going?"
"Why would we have ravioli? We don't eat?"
"Okay, but you're recruiting humans. We gotta eat."
"God fucking damn it."
