Teenage diary

Chapter 2

Highschool friends

They always got your back. They're the one who you tell your problems to. They will bring you up when you can't stand tall. They'll help you climb the rope to success.

But those are only the definition of dream friends.

Do you know the real definition of friends when you're in highschool? One wrong move, joining a clique you're not suppose to be in, will ruin the rest of your highschool life. Will ruin you.

As you grow up, you will see that it doesn't matter how cool you think you are, how many friends you've got, and as soon as you realize that, it's already too late.

How do you expect others to respect you, when you, with your real life-long friend can't even do it.

You try so hard to fit it and be somebody you're not. I try so hard. So hard that I think I lost myself in the process. I forgot who I am. I forgot how I really dress, how I feel sorry when others get bullied, how I don't feel scared when performing and doing something.

One day it'll hunt you down, trust me. Because that one day of yours, is today in mine. And it's not just for one day, it'll come back and come back and come back and it will never go away. Never.

Friends don't humiliate other friends. Perhaps he just had another way to show his friendship towards me, or maybe I'm the problem.

Am I a bad person? Who am I kidding of course I am. I have done a lot of crap I wish to undo but I can't.

Do you know that feeling that you just want to move on and start new and once you do, the past rushes its way to you and you just basically collapse,  not knowing what to do.

I'm scared. Everyday. I'm scared that I'm gonna do something really stupid and then regret it. I'm scared to make another hell of my past. I'm scared that what if I'm never gonna fit it. What if I'm meant to be really like this. To be unhappy.

He looked down on me. I was fine with that. He made fun of me, I'm cool with that. He embarrassed me and ruined me as a person, criticized and judged my movements, I'm gonna be okay with that. Thats what friends are for right?

They like him because he makes all these cool jokes, and even I laugh at them. I laugh when he makes fun of others and not me not because its hilarious but because I actually don't feel like that extra in the movie he always makes me feel. I'm wrong, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. Knowing the pain, it's not worth it.

Today I shed another tear to what he did to me. Tomorrow I'm gonna be happy and smile at him as he sits in our group of circle. I'm gonna smile it through all the jokes and criticism.

I'm a loser.