Teenage diary

Chapter 5

You know that moment when they're threatening you and you just don't feel anything? They think you're scared but you're actually not. They think that they can beat you down into small tiny pieces and that they are capable of breaking you..but they aren't.

You know why? You've heard those lines too many times before. Too many times to count with both your hands and feet. Its as if thats their everyday statement and when they do actually mean it, you don't feel...threatened. And when they push you to do it, you do. Because its nothing.

The meaning that used to be with that line is nothing more than just a wind passing through. You know that the impact of those words should already be enough to kill you, should make you cry now but..no. Because for some reason, you've learned how to follow yourself. Learned to follow your rules and with those rules, you are now stronger.

They can't beat you, you know why? Because the key is no longer with them. You've hidden it, locked it, in a far away dungeon that even you don't know where it is. But its out there, somewhere. You know you'll find it, but for the mean time, you're happy where it is now. Now where nobody can brake nor torment you.

It's funny how they think that you're scared, alone, and lonely but in fact, those labels they use against you, is a total joke. You can call me every bad thing that comes to your mind, but let me remind you that you made me this. You shaped and turned me into the beautiful monster that I am now.

I don't feel that same feeling after being tormented, rather, I feel as if I'm in a whole new level and its actually quite nice. The change? Its amazing. Because right now, they know what I stand for.

I have been beaten up so many times that I want to shoot my younger me for not standing up sooner and at the same time applaud her for being able to deal with this crap.

The only thing I want now is a new life. Different from this. I know you would tell me that I should count my blessings rather than the things I don't have. But this time, I really mean it when I say I have nothing. Gadgets? Sure. Happy life? No.

Everyone around me are a 50-50 when it comes to emotions. Sometimes they're happy and sometimes not. But now, I prefer them to be 100% ignorant. I don't want any communication with them at all. I don't want them in my past-present-future life. They can all kiss each other's asses goodbye because fuck you all!

Fuck you all for being so self-centered. Fuck you for ruining my life. Fuck you for making me feel miserable everyday. Fuck you for making me think that I can never be happy. Fuck you for making me feel so isolated, different. Fuck you for all your stupid shit and all your fucking pouty-pity me faces because you are all suck-ups! My fucking middle finger salutes you, bitch.