Death is a Three Letter Word

Preface

                                                       I can remember it all.

After every beating, waking up and feeling the impact of each squeeze, slap, and punch. Looking at wounds, I was able to recall the exact cause of each bruise. But I can also remember waking up and not remembering anything; Having the previous night be one big blank spot in my memory. Not knowing why I hurt so badly, just knowing that I was shacking uncontrollably with pain.

I remember not wanting to go to sleep, because I wouldn't know what he would do to me while I slept.

I'd fall asleep, racked with fear, frozen in anticipation for what tomorrow would bring. I always chocked back the tears even when I could barley stand another hit. Then I remember the nights where I dared to cry myself to sleep. And as I cried I promised myself that I would get out. I was going to get away someday, that I would make sure of.

Do you know what it's like going to sleep drenched in your own blood? Do you know what it's like to have no one around to help you when you need it most? Do you know what it's like to scream at the top of your lunges, and the only response you get is laughter? I do.

I used to fall asleep utterly empty.

So empty it hurt. I used to lie in bed wondering how I was going to hide the bruises and cuts and sores from my mother. I also used to tell myself that the only reason my dad hurt me was because hedidn't know how to express himself. I used to be his punching bag. A piece of matter so broken up, you could see right through the holes. But of course I covered them up. I had to, if I was going to keep lying.

But that's just it.

I don't wanna lie anymore. I don't want to hide. I want to tell someone. I want to get this pain out of my system. Because I've ran out of excuses for how a man could look his three year old daughter in the face and attempt to strangle her. There is no excuse for a man who can through his eight year old into a wall, shortly after saying happy birthday to her. And there is absolutely no reason for me to sacrifice everything, and lie to everyone for a man who runs after his daughter with a kitchen knife.

I refuse to be a victim any longer, so I won't be...