Death is a Three Letter Word

Chapter 3

"I'm a heartbreaker gotta let you know, I'm a risk taker if you want to go with me-"

The constant ringing of my phone wakes me up. I don't even remember falling asleep. Without looking at the caller ID, I answered in a groggy voice.

"Hello?" 

"Sasha, did I wake you?"

"Oh hi mom, yeah. But it's fine, I probably need to be up already. What's going on, how's your trip?"

"It's going well, I should be home in six days. How's school? Are you going?" I rolled my eyes. A girl skips English two times and suddenly she's a truant. 

Maybe it was more than two times.

Maybe it was more than English.

"Yes I'm going, yes it's fine. Too much homework and not enough hot guys, but it's fine. Maybe I should come on your next trip to Europe with you. London and Dublin surely miss me by now." She chuckled softly, as if she didn't want me to know that I made her laugh. Or maybe she was just with someone. Am I on the couch?

"Maybe if you can get some decent grades this quarter I'll consider it. My next trip should be Milan and Rome."

"Oh how you tease me!" Why am I not in bed?

"No teasing, motivation! Incentive. Get nothing below a C and the trip is final. We'll even extend it as a family trip when my meetings are over."

"Well then I pinkie swear, you better start making those reservations. The Vatican doesn't just let you walk in unannounced you know." I could feel her rolling her eyes. 

"What are we doing going to Vatican City? I thought you were going there for the guys?" She mocked.

"Mother, one simply does not visit Europe without getting a little culture. Besides, I sort of have a bet with Julz on whether or not they'll actually let me in without the place catching on fire and God smiting the city in rage." I opened my call log, trying to remember whatever I wanted to forget.

"That's not a chance I'm willing to take!" 

"Such a party pooper, ye of little faith." Now she did laugh. Maybe business was doing better than expected. We've never talked nicely for this long.

"Well I should go, I have another meeting I have to prep for." I jinxed it. A call at 3am? Who- oh.

"Alright, I have to get ready anyways. Ryan's taking me to breakfast."

"Have fun. Anything else before I go?"

"Ummm, dad called me? He knows you aren't here." There was a slight pause.

"Go stay with Ryan till I get back."

"Are you sure? Maybe it'll be fine."

"Yes, I'm sure. Have the gate house change the alarm codes and don't go back until I'm home. I'll give you information on my flight and you can meet me at the airport. Call me when you change the codes. I really have to go now."

"Alright mom. Bye." I listened for the sound of the dial tone. It was a familiar sound, almost as familiar as my mother's voice. I waited for it every time we spoke on the phone. It was a secret "I love you". A secret promise.
***
Once Ryan woke up, I told him to hurry and get dressed. We had to eat, pack, and go to class. I was already put together in a very low-key outfit of Nike shorts and a douche bag tshirt without a bra on, but instead of changing, I made breakfast. When Ryan came down stairs, he wasn't able to hide the surprise of finding me cooking. However, the shock slid off of his face as he sat down at the table. "Morning, my mom says hi." He nodded. I did everything I could to make sure nothing was off. I was showered and coffee-d and had so much concealer on I could be my mother.

"I should call her."

"No need. Apparently I have to stay with you till she gets home." The shock came back.

"Why? What happened?" he leaned forward in concern.

I shook my head. "He called last night. Freaked me out a bit. I told her when she called this morning and she told me to move out and change all the codes. I have a bag in my car and a sticky note with all the new passwords."

"Wow, okay. How long do you need to stay?"

"She said six days." he nodded some more. His neck is going to snap in half with all of this nodding.   

"Yeah, should be fine. We'll get a lot of studying done."

I laughed harder than I had last night. "Studying? That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. Ahh, good one." Then I thought about it. "No, you're right. We really should get stuff done. I made a promise I'd like to keep." With that, I placed a plate full of food on the table and Ryan looked at me. Maybe for the first time, he really looked at me. The sunken in cheeks, the hollow collar bones, the tank top I was swimming in. I poured myself some black coffee, made a fruit bowl, and took some of the bacon I'd made. When he saw me, for once he didn't mock my food choice or try and force feed me like a stray animal. He saw me and he understood. And for a moment he saw what I was going through. He saw the hurt and the past and the purple eye bags and the anxiety and the all-nighters and the lack of food. He saw me. And then he blinked.  
***
I let my mom know that I was at Ryan's and safe before we started our homework. Ryan laid out all of our assignments and we split them up into groups and categories and by the time we were finished I understood why I never bothered in the first place.

Sighing, I pushed play on my Spotify playlist and set to work on the papers and worksheets in front of me. Every once in a while I would grab for a snack or a drink, but besides that I was totally immersed in work. What felt like half an hour really turned out to be six, as Ryan nudged me and jolted me from my trance.

"So that's what productivity feels like. It's very calming, like meditating. Maybe I should do this instead of drugs." Ryan fell over with laughter. "I was being serious but thanks for making me insecure. I'll never do homework again." he shook his head.

"No, Sash. I didn't mean to make fun. You were just so sincere. I've never heard you sound like that before!" I rolled my eyes.

"And you never will again!"

"Sasha don't be like that. You know I love you. I can be surprised and proud can't I? I pinkie swear I wont tell a soul. Hell, I'll tell them I did your homework. Please? You don't know how hot it was to watch you focus like that."

"Dude, that's why you date crazy girls. You can't just say shit like that to people! Fine, fine. I'll study again. I have to. Just don't laugh at me." Ryan picked himself up and crossed the room to hug me.

"I may be laughing, but it's not at you. You're amazing. And I was being honest, you're rarely sincere. It's a nice side of you to see babe, you don't let any of us in often. Don't let me be the reason to never open up again." I nodded into his chest. Sometimes it just felt good to let go.