The Journal

Don't Wake Me Up

Hello Kittens!

This is a short story for how this person with depression becomes an insomniac. They deal with the torments their mind pushes on them late at night and in their tired state, moves on to the next day.

Enjoy! Xx

Trigger Warning: Suicidal thoughts

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My body craves the darkness of sleep to take over, yet it never does. It pulls me right to the brink of unconsciousness, then I'll startle awake and be right back where I started- unable to fall into the dreamlike state of sleep. So I sit, staring blankly at a wall that has just as little emotion as I do. I've been left feeling numb and broken. I never used to be this bad, it would take me a while but eventually my mind would shut off. I don't have that pleasure anymore, just a ticking clock in my mind that disturbs all chances of relaxation.

Now, I lay awake, waiting for everyone else to fall asleep. Silent tears leave wet streaks down my cheeks and dampen my pillow. I feel empty though, as if someone ripped the life out of me. Took my reason for living and locked it away, just out of my reach. I can see it, shinning at me. Taunting me. I reach my hand out into the darkness, trying to reach for my happiness. My fingers are so close, so I push harder. I push so hard that it starts to hurt, but I don't give up. I'm trying desperately to get a grip but I can't. It's like my fingers either can't reach it or they slip straight through it. It's pure torture. A torture that laughs in your face, it's voice bubbly and teasing. 

It's because I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to feel that warmth in my chest. Not anymore. I felt it once, but I abused the right to happiness. Everything is life has a balance. If you over step that balance, the consequences for your actions are horrifically painful. You get a certain amount of chances, if you use them all up... That's your fault. I used up all my chances without thinking of the fact that I was running out of them.

I've decided that this is all my fault. Part of it was because of how selfish I was. I wanted a love that I could never have. I wanted a happiness that didn't belong to me. I interrupted the balance of life. Now, I have to face the consequences. It's the only way to get past this. It's the only way that I'll be able to close my eyes and rest.

I want nothing more, than to close my eyes one night... And not wake up the next day. Not have to deal with everything going on in the world. All the pain that each day brings. The ache each breath shoots through my beaten down body. My mind is collapsing in on itself. I don't want to wake up and have to face my demons. I have to face the same demons everyday and I'm tired. I'm so tired of it all.

I'm crying out for help but it's like no one hears me. I'm in a room full of people. Why can no one hear me screaming?!

Because, I'm screaming in my head. I'm letting myself be destroyed inside while I display a smile to the rest of the world. I refuse to let people now how broken I truly am. That's all it is though, faking it all so that I don't have to try and explain all that has happened. I'm avoiding letting people know that I understand exactly where I went wrong. I'm avoiding understanding that what I did can't be fixed.

I'm fine. I say to everyone who asks. Just tired, it's been a long day. I am tired. It has been a long day. This is different to what people think though, no one thinks to asks what I'm tired of or why it was a long day. They just think I'm fine and I am or at least I will be. I will be fine one day. Today, just isn't that day. Tomorrow, probably isn't that day either. It might not be anytime soon but one day, one day I'll be able to feel happiness without guilt. One day I'll be able to feel happiness without being scared that something is going to take it away. One day, everything will be okay and I wont have to worry about all of these things anymore. I wont have to know that it was my fault, I was sad. I wont be sad anymore. Everything would be better. I have a dream, you see. The dream consists of nothing. It consists of a dark calmness that takes over your body and lets you rest forever. I dream that maybe, just maybe... 

That maybe one day, I won't wake up. Then all of this would be over. I would be at peace. I would finally be able to rest. I'm tired of feeling scared. Tired of feeling sad and alone and broken. I'm tired of feeling. I want to be done. Why won't everyone just let me go to sleep?

Let me go to sleep... And don't wake me up.