Hi! I'm Justine Cleo Alvares, born April 19, 1995. This day, I'm writing my last words. Before that, lemme give you a minute to put your hand on your mouth from sobbing and dry your teary eyes.
I was born female by heart yet male biologically. Hi Mom and Dad, SURPRISE! I know I'm gay since I was 12, sorry 'bout that. So this is how my story goes...
There was this guy in Facebook who happens to be my school mate. I was 4th year while he was 3rd year. Well I knew him very well, he's kinda famous for being in the varsity, he's handsome too yet arrogant and one thing that turns me off is he belongs in the lower section...too bad, last section... really.
He added me and I accepted his friend request, talked...always. We were getting to know each other until we exchanged our digits, call and talked about random thoughts. As time goes by, we became super close to one another. I sung over the phone because he always found my voice angelic, without his knowledge I am a choir member, but of course I didn't tell him.
One night, while we were talking over the phone, he confessed. He told me that he felt something different. Like, he was like in a cloud nine, that every time I sung to him, he always left in a rhapsody that lingered for the remainder of the evening. So therefore, he's the reason behind my eye bags.
At first, I'm having a hard time to stop this feeling. Am I falling in love with him? Or I fell already? I know we can't be lovers... because he knew me as a girl...yes! You are right, he knew me in Facebook as a girl or in other terms, I am a poser. I wasn't born saint and being a sinner, I still continue talking to him, until I said yes to him, so we became couple... but just in Facebook. He asked for meet ups yet I always declined, I made up stories, reasons, just to convinced him not to meet.
I graduated my high school having this "FB BF" thing; summer went too fast, months past. I'm now in college while he is now in his senior year, he excels, from last section which is 7th, he is now in 4th section... not bad, and also, he became the captain ball of the varsity. He thanked me because I served as his inspiration. Months later, I wanted to tell him the truth, because the longer I pretend and hide my true identity, the more painful he will be when he knew my secrets.
Saturday morning, I went to the Church, praying for guidance on how I'm going to tell him everything. After praying I decided to tell him all he needs to know after our choir practice. He also have basketball practice this morning, well Church is just behind our Alma Mater. I went upstairs and waited for my choir mates. I was asked to sing a solo piece, so I did. While singing... I visualize the further reaction once I tell him the truth. I'm at the bridge part of the song when I saw him, looking at me, crying. From that moment, I know in my mind and heart that he knew who I really am. I ran as fast as I can, but he's faster than me, I reached the Church's door, but it's too late, I saw him in a tricycle. I fell down, crying like there was water falls in my eyes, my knees are too weak that I can't even stand. That day I died.
Days, weeks and month, I haven't heard anything about him. I know how devastated he was and worst part is it's me who caused that pain. I know how cruel our lives, yet I became the reason of his cruelty. How can I live with this kind of burden? I know it's a sin, but I think it's the best way out. I only live once, we only live once but did you ever ask yourself how many times you died? Of course, not in literal way, what I'm saying is dying due to heartaches. And being the cause of someone's heartache slash "death" is much even worse than dying in pain.
Ps. I maybe a poser, used fake identity but I swear to G., my love for you is real. I love you goodbye.
