Who I Am

Stacy

I get up every morning to the sound of disappointment.Well except on the weekend because that's the only time I can be truly alone. And I know what your probably thinking is "oh boy Stacy's one of those girls who's anti-social. Well if that's what your thinking your wrong because I was just born into the world to be alone. My own family doesn't even notice me unless they want me to do something for them like chores. Every day I don't just wake up feeling alone, I also wake up to the feeling of wanting to get rid of myself. And I don't mean leaving town or running away to some luxurious country, I mean to literally kill myself. But all of those feelings go away when Jenna comes over. Jenna is not my friend but she's there for me. I've known her since first grade. And I know your thinking "if you've know each other that long shouldn't you guys technically be friends." Well in your opinion you can think that but I don't because Jenna is only there for me to keep me out of trouble. That's actually how we met, I could remember it as if it were yesterday.
*Flashback Montage*
It all started at recess on the 4-square quart. I wanted to play with the other kids and of course since I was invisible to them I never got to even play once. I finally took a hint and left. I sat by myself and I picked up a piece of glass I found on the floor. And of course I started to cut away but I did it on my leg so no one would notice it until Jenna came by and caught me red handed. Literally. She was so scared and worried but she didn't tell on me because she understood what I was going through. So from that day on I only thought of her as my 'guardian angel' instead of a friend.
Jenna walked me to school but before we even left my house she searched me for anything that could harm my body in any way. Anyways, we finally made it to school after our 45 minute walk and ate breakfast together. I didn't eat much but I tried to fake like I had eaten a lot so Jenna wouldn't worry about me. After we finished eating Jenna walked me to Spanish class. She waited with me until the bell rung. As much as I wanted to tell her to go on ahead to your class I'll be fine she would have taken it as a lie and I'd be telling a lie to myself.
It had only been 9min since class has started and I was already bored. The only class of the day I cared about was music class because I could always pour out my feelings into it. I could play the piano, violin, guitar, and trumpet. I don't pour out my feelings in the trumpet though I just thought it would be a fun instrument to learn. But I had to wait until after lunch until that class came around so I just slumped for the rest of the day except lunch. That was the time Jenna would be already waiting for me so she could interrogate me about how I'm doing. I put on this fake smile trying to make sure it looked real but she saw right through me.
Jenna:"Ok what's up?"
Stacy:"What do ya mean?"
"Well the fact that you're putting on your fake smile face is for one and your sitting all nervous like."
"Man you'd think I'd have enough practice since we were kids but I guess nothing gets past you."
"You got that right."
"So how are you so far today."
"You don't have to ask me if I'm cutting or anything in that nice little vomit sentence."
"Ok that's not what I was trying to ask you and we both know that. I really wanted to know how your day was so far."
"Just peachy."
After that we stopped talking to each other for the whole lunch period. Jenna wanted to fix what just happened but she couldn't find the right words. As soon as lunch bell rang I left as fast as possible and of course Jenna chased me down the hall. I had finally lost her through a big crowd and I was able to avoid her all day until after school when I started walking home.
Jenna:"Wait up Stacy!" she yelled.
I just started to walk even faster.
Jenna:"I know you can hear me Stacy and I just really wanted to talk about lunch."
Me:"What's there to talk about!"
"There is so much to talk about. Like how I didn't mean to say...well you know."
"No, Jenna I really don't know. But what I do know is that I'm getting sick of you always thinking I need protection and attention."
"C'mon Stacy that's what I do as your friend and..."
"No! You do that because your my little "Angel" that's it."
"It's flattering that you think of me as your angel but I'm your friend too."
"No your not. My whole life I've been alone and just because your by my side every minute of the day to make sure I don't do anything stupid to myself doesn't make you my friend. So let's just go our separate ways now."
"Is that what you think."
"That's what I know."
"So besides me keeping you safe I'm nothing to you."
"Oh why do you care so much about my opinion."
"Because you mean something to me. Does that mean anything to you?"
"Yeah it does but it feels like nothingness because I don't know how to feel."
"If you didn't know how to feel you wouldn't be hurting yourself!"
I stopped walking and turned slowly.
"You take that back right now!"
"Why, it's the truth after all."
"Why you little bitch. If you really cared about me you wouldn't have said that to me."
"How dare you call me a bitch."
"You know what I don't have time to keep standing here, wasting my time arguing with you."
"Fine then just go walk away and cut your problems away."
I put my earphones on and turned the volume on high but I could still hear her voice still yelling at me and all I could do was cry. But why was I crying.