Chapter 6
(Dream)
I open my eyes and I'm at a cemetery. The sky is dark, but the moon lights the whole place. There are tombstones everywhere, as usual. But one is really extraordinary: it's the biggest one and the stone is the Reaper. He holds his usual weapon. Cool... If I die, I want a fallen angel as my stone, a female one with long hair who is praying towards the sky (heaven). I walk towards it, but suddenly the ground beneath my feet rumbles. I want to run, but my feet are stuck. What? The ground breaks open and I fall into the hole. I gasp. I open my eyes and only see darkness.
I gasp, roll over and fall on the floor, face first. I shake the nightmare out of my head and pull myself up. I sit down on my bed. That was a weird dream. I've been having weird dreams these days, almost like they are messages. But what could this one mean? That I need to watch out for holes in the ground? I look around for Piper. She isn't here. Oh, probably hunting for breakfast. I yawn and stretch. And another awkward boring day. Why God, why? Why Sirius? I want to be with Draco. I miss his jokes, his smile, his hugs and our weird conversations: I miss Draco.. I sigh and get up. I walk to the bathroom and brush my teeth. I grab my brush and brush my long hair. I look into the mirror. I sigh. I don't understand why people call me 'beautiful'. Because I'm not. Maybe they only say it because they're afraid of me or my mother. I walk back to my room and pick out my clothes: a black T-Shirt with 'Dare' on it and white jeans with black boots. Dare, haha. I love clothes with funny things on them. I put my wand in my pocket and go downstairs. I open the livingroom door. Sirius is sitting on the sofa, reading a paper. He looks up with a tired look in his eyes and gestures to the dinnertable. I move my gaze to the table. There's bread, a plate, cutlery and spreads on it. I don't eat that much, but it is nice of him. I nod and sit down. I try to ignore Sirius' gaze while I make a sandwich. I munch on it while I think back of my dream. What, what is the message? Stay away of cemetery's? It could be. I do believe in signals. I put my hand under my chin and eat my sandwich. Blerg, I've never liked breakfast. I sigh. The next three weeks are gonna be the longest three weeks in my life.
~
Two weeks and six days are gone. I think I'm going crazy. I feel so lonely. I want to chat with Sirius, get to know him, but I can't. I've written to Draco, a couple of times, but letters aren't enough. I'm glad I'm outta here tomorrow. Yesterday I found, Sirius doesn't know of it, my familytree on the wall in one of the rooms, which I was not allowed to go to. I'm not even on the tree. Sirius' picture is burned away. I guess because he was a Gryffindor. Now I'm in the attic. There's a big window here, with a beautiful view of the forest and other houses. I sit down on the wood in front of the window. It's big enough to lay one. I pull my knees towards me and place my arms on them. Since when is my life so fucked up? I've never been happy. But now I feel even worse. Why can't my life be normal? No, I don't want to be normal, but I want to be happy. My eyes are getting wet. Stupid self pity. Piper is getting dinner. If she wasn't here, I would go crazy of loneliness. The tears are falling. I often have these kind of days. The days where I feel really depressed. It's unfair, other kids have loving parents and I don't. Maybe they still love or think of me, but they aren't here. I don't know them. Tears are streaming down my face now. I hate myself. I can't cry. These emotions make me weak. Why can't I just feel nothing? Emotions and love, those are the things that making you weak. Why am I so weak? I want to be strong for my parents, but that's not who I am. The facade I'm pulling is strong and fearless, but the real me is to emotional and weak. I pull at my hair of frustration.
'Why?' I cry softly. I hate myself. I hurt everybody. I bury my face into my arms. My tears drench my jacket. I want someone to hold, someone to hug me. But I have nobody, not at the moment. Nobody loves me. But.. Draco does, right? I thought...
'Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"
You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?
Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
I breathe deep and cry out,
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?
And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there,
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...
Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
I breathe deep and cry out,
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?' I sing softly. I love this song. Muggles have good artistes.
I bite hard on my lip and taste blood. Yuk, I hate the taste of blood. It is pretty, I like bloody red, but it tastes horrible. I punch the window in anger. It bounces. A pain shots through my fist. I sigh. Pain helps me to soften the pain, for just a moment. It feel like I've been sitting here for hours. Maybe I have... I wipe my leaking nose off on my sleeve and dry my teary, red eyes. I look so ugly when I cry. All snotty and red. I inhale deeply and sneak back into my room.
