Off the Edge

Insanity Note #3

Shh... She is sleeping. We cannot wake her or we won't get what we want. We need her asleep.

I hear the whispers in my dream. "STOP! STOP!" I scream. "NO, NO! I WON'T GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT! STOP! STOP!" I scream and shriek and kick in my dream. I am in a dark room and he door opens and millions of demons rush through the door, trying to hurt me, to burn me, with their white-hot hands. And then I realize... I am not dreaming. Whether I ever was is a mystery. But now... Now I am awake and there are only three demons instead of the million I once saw. A male and two female monsters wearing white gloves, not burning hot hands, just normal. Normal demon hands concealed with white gloves. But if I was screaming in my real world dream... I was screaming in my real world life. That's what brought the demons. The nurses that carry purses full of 'meds' that will brainwash me. They're no here to help like Kyle and mother said. That are here to hurt me.

"Shh... Trisha, it's okay. Everything's going to be okay. It was just a nightmare." The man that I saw earlier is again towering over my crumpled, balled up body, rubbing my back.

"Who... Who are y, you?" I ask. Because now I cannot think of anything else but him and the voices.

He has a funny look on his face as if it were obvious just who he might be. In the dim light, I can barely make out a sad frown. "Don't you remember me? Your mom's boyfriend, Matthew?"

"My mom doesn't have a boyfriend! She is married! She is in love! To my dad! My dad! My dadder the hatter who was madder than the falling ladder on my cat when he was pulled away! Mommy is in love with him! Him-dee-dim-dee-him! Not you-dee-doo-dee-poo!" I can't help myself. I know what a 'boyfriend' is . It's someone you fall in love with and my mother can't be in love with a guy names Matthew. She is in love with father! Daddy! The hatter who got taken away because he had gone insane. Just like me. I'm insane. But I'm not. I'm not. I'm normal. It's them who are insane. They are the ones who put me in the demon castle and they are the ones who think that the demons are only trying to help! I'm not insane! "You are!" I yell out loud.

Matthew doesn't know what I'm taking about. He just looks at me with a hurt expression, as is he was trying to hold in tears because he wants to be brave. But he's not. "Listen, Trisha. Your dad wasn't right in the head and I know this is hard for you, but they took him away. Your mom only gets to see him as much as you do..."

I never get to see father. Ever.

"And when people don't see each other often... That chain that holds them together kind of breaks. And so... your mom moved on. It's okay if you don't think of me as a father figure..."

Mom's boyfriend keeps talking, but I zone out. How could mother have moved on from father when they were once so madly in love? I remember when he used to dance with her and then she would try on his hats for him. I remember when he took me downstairs to his hat shop and I sat there as he sewed and measured the fabric of hats for his high paying costumers. I remember when mother would smile when he served her her favorite spaghetti. I used to think it was amazing every time they kissed that they could be so in love that they would share a part of themselves, the most important part, with each other. While Kyle gagged, I would look at them with aw and hope that someone could love me that much one day. How could mother get over something as beautiful as that?

"I have to go now, Trish. I hope you're feeling better soon." Mathew sighs and as he starts to walk out I gasp.

"You're wrong." I feel betrayed by mother and Matthew. But when Matthew said that he hoped I was going to feel better... I wanted to scream. But there are no voices so I didn't. "About mother loving you and about you wanting me to feel better soon. Mother still loves father more than anything and if she opened up to you at all... It's because the little place in her heart where father's voice used to be needs to be filled."

"Trish--"

"And you don't want me to be better anytime soon. Because if I'm better I get to go home and when I'm around, mother is miserable. I'm not an idiot because I think, I know, this is a demon castle. Mother cries more when I'm in her presence. And if she cries about me then there is no more room for you. I remind her of dadder the hatter. Of father. And when she is reminded of father... She doesn't. Love. You."

Matthew is speechless. He just stands there while I swallow my tears. And just as he musters up enough strength to walk out the door I say, "But of course it doesn't matter that I'm madder than a hatter."

And then he runs off, scared out of his wits.

**********

I am sleeping again. That's what I seem to do a lot these days. Because sleep is like a time machine to the next hour, day, week. But instead of sleep making me feel revived, awake. It makes me feel drowsy, tired. And now that I've been sleeping a lot, I feel as if I'm too tired to move. So most days I either sleep, or just lay in my cell, my room, so I won't have to sleep and become even more tired.

"Hey, are you awake?" Kyle asks as he walks in the room.

"The voices have been quiet lately." I tell him.

"Yeah. The doctors say you're sleeping a lot."

"I am. But when I sleep I'm even more tired than I was before. So maybe I shouldn't sleep at all. Maybe I should do the opposite of what to doctors want me to do. Sleep drains me like a sink without the plug or an injured person who bleeds to death because they don't have anything to hold the blood in and no pressure on their wound. Maybe I'll die alone from exhaustion like John Henry or maybe I'll just die because he'll kill me." I say quietly.

Kyle is scared. I can see it in his eyes. But he won't admit it. He's older than me. About nineteen. So for him to be scared of me is like an elephant and a mouse. But the elephant is still afraid.

 "Who's this he?" He finally asks.

"He is the voices. The voices that make me scream. Sometimes he doesn't talk or scream or whisper in my ear and so I don't scream. But sometimes he does. And I scream because I'm a scared elephant and he's just a mouse. But lately I've been to tired to scream." I sigh and my eyes start to close, but I know that sleep won't help me so I open my eyes and sit up as straight as I can.

"Elephant? I... Trish... You're not making any sense."

"BUT I AM." Yelling would scare Kyle even more, maybe even make him run out, so I don't yell. I whisper-yell. "I'M MAKING PERFECT SENSE."

"Why are you whispering?"

"Why not? I mean, if the crow caws loud enough and the voices scream quietly, then --" But he cuts me off.

"No! Trisha! I know it's not your fault but I can't take his anymore! Voices, Birds, elephants, mice, he... It's all nonsense! Why can't you just be like other younger sisters that obsess over boy bands and play on their phones?! Why can't you just be normal!?" This time, Kyle yelled. Not me. And this time, I am the one who runs out, trying to hold back tears.

I run out into the hall and hear the voices telling me to scream. They scream that I should scream. So I do. I scream as loud as I can. But the voices never tell me to stop running, they  just tell me to scream. So I run and scream and soon, there are a million demons surrounding me, chasing me. I run and scream and cry, no longer able to hold in the harsh, burning tears that flood my eyes. "STOP! STOP! STOP!" I cry over and over. I scream and cover my ears as I run. This makes me loose my momentum and I trip just as I am mounting the stairs. Down, down, down I roll. My head gets hit over and over and over again. Nothing stops me from falling and hitting my head over and over again. I roll and hear people calling for me. No. Not people. Demons.

The voices tell me to stop rolling, but I can't. "OW! NO! STOP! HELP!" But I don't want help. I just want people to leave me alone because the voices say so. I want to get out of the demon castle and into the open, fresh air where the demons can't hurt me and mother doesn't love someone that's not father and Kyle loves me even if I'm not normal and outside where I am normal. "LET ME GO! GET OUT OF MY BRAIN! PLEASE! STOP!" I scream and now that I am at the bottom of the stairs, in pain and hurting. Now that I want to go outside and now that everything I move is moving towards outside and now that I'm so tired I can barely move my head to look up and he demons trying to help up so I can get back to my room, I close my eyes. And with the last strength I have left in my body, I say, "It's not my fault. It never was."