Off the Edge

Insanity Note #5

When I awake I am in tears. I don't know why I have been crying. But something tells me that it is because I am hurting physically. Mentally I am more than damaged, but physically I am, or was, fine. I sit up and look around me. Colors jump out at me, yelling at me to lay back down. Yellow, red, green, blue, and purple all wave frantically as I start to stand. Too much color. Too much light. This is not my dark, damp, padded cell, my ugly, dry, barren home. This is different. It doesn't smell of the color grey and doesn't feel like sadness and despair. The air tastes like lavender flowers and blue skies, lovely homemade soap and happy bees that like to fly around and sing and dance, playing on the winds that flood the land. This new world sounds like a river filled with fish that have wings and grass blowing in the winds that the bees dance upon because in the flood of air that comes from the east there is nothing left to do but dance. My ears can only hear so much and my nose can only smell what's near me. The taste in the air can only give me so much of a hint as to where I am so I open my eyes. It is too bright for them. So I shut them. Then I squint really hard, making me sweat through my skull. Or maybe the sweat comes from the heat that rises up around me, in the wind, in the bees' dance, in the trees, in the ever blowing grass. I feel it hot on my wet skin. I feel the warmth through my flesh and in my bones. And it feels good. The heat, the smell, the light. Everything in its place as it should be. So I open my eyes. All the way this time. I open them wide, wide enough to see everything. To take in everything.

If only I had eyes on the back of my head. I think to myself. Then I could see everything all at once.

But unfortunately, I don't have eyes on the back of my head. And so I am forced to turn all around in a circle, not blinking for I fear I may miss something. The forever hot sun beats down on the scene with tranquil anger, like it can't decide whether to be happy or to be furious, as the place is ever so beautiful. I see it all. And I try to describe the amazing picture laid out before me. But I can't. I can't even hold the image in my head for long before I am whisked away from the perfect beauty that it holds. I hope the bees don't get caught in the wind while I am away. Is the last thought I can muster before unexplainable pain crawls up my spine and trickles down my legs into my toes and down into the ground.

"Stop the bees! They are in grave danger from the wind! It will sweep them awa--" I try to warn everyone but I can't because a shock of horrible pain zaps me away from my thoughts of pity for the unsuspecting bees. I scream but nothing comes out of my mouth but a faint whisper.

I've always wanted to touch the stars. Maybe I can. I think. Then my thoughts come pouring from my mouth in a groan that can barely be made out as, "Please stop! I n-need to touch the... The STARS!" My heart beats too fast for me to slow the blood flow that rushes to my brain. And then an odd thing occurs. My thoughts of touching the stars remain in my head for a moment longer as the pain recedes and sizzles out into nothingness. Then I realize that if I touch the stars I will burn my hand. "Don't. Let me."

"What, Trish?" I hear a voice that sounds something like Kyle.

"Don't let me touch the stars." I whisper so quiet I can barely hear myself. It feels as if my throat has been removed and dipped in hot acid before being place upside down in my neck. "I'll burn myself." And I drift off into a horrible, tiring sleep.

**********

"Ow!" I yell as a horrible demon clips my nails.

"It doesn't hurt." She says in an annoying sing song voice. "I'm just clipping your nails."

"I know. It's just that in my dream, I touched a very small star. You know, the kind Dora chases? And it hurt real bad. Probably bad enough to wake me up." I state, starting to smile. I don't feel tired today. This is something to smile about. "Is mother coming in today?"

"Oh, yes. Very soon." The demon smiles so sweetly I almost puke.

"Don't send her in." My smile doesn't fade, which probably makes me look like I'm insane. Which I'm not. "I'm perfectly normal." I think out loud. "Sorry. It's just that she shouldn't come in today or ever again because it will make her cry. And when mother cries it's usually because she's upset. Unless she's happy. Like when she had me. When I was born she cried happy tears. When I was taken away she cried sad tears. But you would know that. You, demon."

At the last part the nurse looks up. She looks like she pities me. No, she isn't allowed to pity me. She is evil, a demon ready to rip my brains out. Earlier she told me that she was shocked I was still fully intact. The shocking part was the electricity. She said it fries most people's brains. But not me. Well, she didn't tell me exactly. She told a demon friend. But I heard her. "I hear you." I say, not sure why it dropped out of my mouth.

"That's very good."

"I do, you know. I do care about those poor bees." But you don't have to worry. I'll go back and help them. I think the last part to myself because I don't want her to think I'm crazy. "I know you think I'm crazy, but I'm perfectly sane. " I say. And just then, my mother walks in with my not-father not-lover mom-lover mom-stealer Matthew trailing behind.