Suicide Love

I love you, but I hate you

I walked in the house, and saw stuff everywhere. What the hell. Shit. This stuff only happens when my brother Teddy goes on a rampage. I'm really not in the mood to deal with this right now. I went up to my room, closed the door, and sat on my bed.
It was quiet, so I guess Teddy left. Bang. The door downstairs slammed closed. Oh, that would be him.

All I heard was yelling.

"I didn't fucking touch it. Fuck off, asshole." Teddy yells.
"You're a liar and you know it." My step dad yells back. Oh great, here we go.
My brother runs up the stairs and slams his bedroom door. I think he just punched a hole through it.
My step dad chased up after him.
"You can pay for the damage."
"I'm not paying for shit." Teddy spits.
My step dad opens his door and starts yelling really loud. The first time I've ever heard him yell this loud.

I break down crying. I lay on my stomach and put my face into my pillow, so I can sob without anyone hearing me.

"Give me your phone." My step dad says calmly.
"Take it."
I hear a bang in the hallway, so I assume he threw it. I then hear running down the stairs and the front door slamming. There goes my brother again. He'll probably be gone for the night, doing drugs or some shit. Like always.

I'm still sobbing when my step dad walks in. He sits on my bed and wraps me in his arms. I was too scared, and didn't have the power to hug him back. Instead, I started shaking.
"There's no reason to be scared." He whispers in my ear. "I would never hurt you."
And with that, he gets up and leaves, as I'm still crying, but not as hard.

I go over to my drawer, and grab my blade. It's time to add to my collection. It's my fault my brother is like this. It's my fault my family is fucked up. It's my fault my dad hates me, I think to myself as I drag the blade down my arm about 20 times. I put my blade back into the drawer, rap gauze around my arm, put a big sweater on, and go lay back down in bed with tears streaming down my face. I hate my life.

I roll over and grab my phone. It's 10:30pm. Wow, I cried myself to sleep. I have 5 missed calls and 13 unread messages from Glenn. Oops. I text him back, and tell him that I'm not in the mood to talk and that I'll text him the morning. I go knock on my mom's door and ask her for my pills, then I go back to sleep. I'm going to have to explain all this to Glenn tomorrow. Sometimes I just wish he wouldn't be able to look right through me.