frerard oneshots

do vampires menstruate

Being best friends with a vampire was fucking AWESOME. Like, seriously. Frank was super fucking lucky. Gerard was super fucking cool. He was also a loser, but Frank loved him anyway, y'know?

When Frank met Gerard, he wasn't a vampire. They met at a comic book store because they're both huge fucking nerds. Gerard accidentally tripped over Frank's shoelaces, and ended up falling face-first on the floor. When asked if he was okay by Frank, he waved his hand in a general sort of 'whatever, yeah' way, but not in a mean way. Frank helped Gerard up, and for some reason ended up getting coffee because Gerard was sorry for screwing Frank's shoelaces up. Eventually they exchanged phone numbers, and somehow became best friends.

They talked ALL THE TIME about how cool it would be to be vampires. Vampire buddies, you know? So when Gerard showed up at Frank's door after a week of ignoring him a vampire, it was less 'oh my god you're a freak' and more 'hOLY SHIT THAT'S SO FUCKING RAD GEE!!' Also, Frank knew that vampires had to be invited in, so he just stood there. "Hey, Gee, are you gonna come in or not?" He had said with a cheeky grin.

"Fuck you, invite me in, dickhead."

"Since you asked so nicely, come in."

After Gerard had been let in, the first thing Frank had done was force his mouth open and poke his teeth. "Holy shit, Gerard. Your teeth are so fucking rad, dude."

"Can I close my mouth now?" Gerard replied, rolling his eyes.

"Have you had any blood to drink yet?? Have you tried people food?????"

"No and yes."

"What was it like?"

"Food is gross now, which makes me kind of sad. And I'm also kinda hungry, but whatever."

"Do you think we could convince a blood bank to give you some?"

"Probably not."

"You're right. I'm tired, goodnight."

"What the fuck, Frank? I'm not tired at all."

"Shut the fuck up, I'm trying to sleep."

"Your bed is upstairs."

"Maybe I want to sleep on the couch instead." Frank went upstairs and to sleep anyway. When he woke up, Gerard was sitting on the couch, watching TV.

"Did you sleep at all last night?" Usually, that would have scared Gerard, but it didn't. Vampire skills. Nice.

"No. I don't need to sleep, dumbass."

"But CAN you?"

"Duh."

"Well excuse me for not knowing this stuff!" Gerard shrugged and kept watching TV.

~

It went on like this for a little while, their friendship being the same as it always was, except Frank asked a whole lot of questions and Gerard didn't always have answers.

"Have you met any other vampires?"

"Did anyone give you weird looks at the blood bank?"

"Does Mikey know?"

"Do your fangs ever get in the way?"

"Obviously the one who bit me, yes, yes, and yes! Can you please shut up??"

"Well fine, okay then. No need to be so rude." Gerard rolled his eyes.

~

"Hey, Gerard?" Frank said as he sat down next to Gerard on the couch one day.

"What is it, Frank?"

"..Do vampires menstruate?"

"What the fuck, Frank??? How the fuck would I know????????"

"It's a genuine question that I have!! I'm curious to know."

"Well. I don't know. Sorry."

"Damn. Totally gonna Google that shit later."

About an hour later, Frank came running down the stairs, laptop cradled in his hands. "GERARD GERARD GERARD GERARD GERARD GERARD!!"

"What?"

"I Googled it. Google said that vampires with a uterus probably will menstruate until they run out of eggs, called menopause, because humans have a limited amount of eggs and said vampire had probably been turned."

"Huh. That's actually pretty cool."

"I know!! But wouldn't that be like. French fries coming out of a human's vagina?"

Gerard giggled. "Probably."

As soon as they made eye contact again, they burst out laughing. "Just- just imagine, you're sitting on the toilet, and- and FRENCH FRIES start POURING out of your vagina!!" Frank said in between breaths. "And- and then you sigh and reach over and grab some KETCHUP and pour it on the fries!"

"STOP STOP STOP I'M GONNA DIE."

"You're already dead, Gerard!"

"Okay, true."

~

Frank had been thinking about it for a while. The question that he wanted to ask Gerard. No, he wasn't like, gonna ask him to marry him or anything. Actually, it was multiple questions. Along the lines of 'hey fucker wanna bite me' and 'let's make out and hope you don't bite my tongue off.' So one day, he just decided, fuck it, I'm gonna be casual about it. He walked downstairs and plopped next to Gerard on the couch. Why was he always on the couch?????

Frank bit his lip. "Gerard, do your fangs get in the way of kissing people?"

Gerard looked a little confused at the question and then answered, "I haven't kissed anyone since I've been turned."

"Oh. Okay."

"..Why are you asking?"

"No reason!" Frank said quickly.

"Okay."

"Yep."

"Are you...offering?"

Frank's eyes widened. "M-maybe..??? I don't know. Sure. If you want to. Your choice."

"I mean..sure. Fuck it. Let's do it."

"So like. How do you want to go about doing this?"

"It doesn't have to be this complicated, Frank, God." With that, Frank grabbed Gerard's face in his hands and smashed their lips together. Gerard immediately responded, kissing back as well as he could. Those fangs DID get in the way.

Frank slipped his tongue into Gerard's mouth, and that's when things got fucking WEIRD. Frank literally had to stop kissing him because he was going to IMPALE HIMSELF on those STUPID TEETH, ugh. "Holy fucking shit, we should do that, like, a lot."

"Yeah, as long as you don't fucking MURDER MY TONGUE with those LITTLE KNIVES." Frank huffed while Gerard laughed and then wink.

"Well, if I murdered your tongue, you wouldn't be able to-"

OK THSTA"S AS JGFAR IAS I CAN GO BEYeeYE

anyway i spent weeks working on this stupid oneshot ONLY BECAUSE of the fucking kissing/smutty-ish part because i have never kissed anyone in my life lmao