Writing.

You

You
I met you in 6th grade, somewhere between September through December, 2012
You became one of my best friends
You still are
You're the first guy best friend I have
You were like my brother
I'd do anything for you
I still would
Because you still mean so much to me
We had an amazing friendship them
We still do, but it's different now
Whenever you were feeling sad
Or just not right about the world
I'd try my best to help you
With what I could
We had the bestest times together
All those laughs and tears we shared
I'll forever cherish in my heart
But it all changed in 7th grade
Things were going well
But then your feelings changed
Into something more than a friendship
And it changed me forever
I saw you differently, on a whole new level
The way you looked changed
The way I thought of you changed
The way I felt towards you changed
It all changed
I had feelings for you too
But I had a boyfriend
So it fucked me up
I didn't know what to do
Stay with him
Or be with you
I lost it
My mind was everywhere
I didn't know what to do
Until one quote changed it all
"If you love two people go to the second because if you loved the first you wouldn't have fallen for the second"
My friend showed it to me
And it made a lot of sense
So I thought about it
And I made my decision
A tough one but it was worth it
Or was it not?
I broke up with my boyfriend
I wrote him this paragraph
I still feel bad to this day
But what I felt for him I don't regret
I did love him
But I just found someone I loved more
I was the happiest when I was with you
Everyday I spent with you
I fell and fell and fell more and more in love
With you
You became my everything
My world
My galaxy
All the stars
The moon
The sun
All the planets
Etc.
You were my universe
You still are
The thought of you made me feel warm and soft
The butterflies faded
But that's because you were something more to me then just butterflies in my stomach
Your laugh made me smile because I knew you were happy
Your smile brightened my day because I knew you were okay
You made me feel like I was okay
Like those sad, dark feelings inside me
Will just be temporary
When they feel like I'll always be stuck with them forever
I fell even more
I thought you were my forever
So I fell for you more and more and more
Cause I thought you were worth it
And you were
After long days and weeks of not seeing you
Your hugs felt like home
When we reunited again
So warm and cozy
I thought I could live in them forever
The question of forever?
Was always answered with a forever.
You were my fucking forever
After a long time of living of the dark
You were like the moonlight
You shined on me through the dark
Always reassuring me
Everything was going to me okay
And everything was okay
And I thank you for all those days
At the end of 7th grade
When she sent us those notes
I broke down and I cried my life away
She was my first best friend going into middle school
And she has been your best friend since forever ago
But knowing we'd no longer be friends
We both thought it was the end
After that you changed
You, and your feelings towards me became distant and cold
And it hurt more than everything
Because I've fallen so hard for you
I felt so alone and confused
I kept asking myself
What did I do? What did I do? WHAT DID I DO??
8th grade was the toughest
You were so distant towards me
You still meant everything to me
But you never would say forever back
I was hurt
And you were doing just fine
How was that even a relationship anymore?
You made new friends, most of the girls
Not gonna lie I was jealous
But it wasn't wrong for me to be jealous
Because you were getting more closer to them
Then you were to me
You ignored me like I wasn't even there
You'd see me and look away
But when they came
You screamed with joy and you ran up to them and hugged them
And that was then when I started looking away
Because seeing you much more happy with them then with me, fucking pained me.
I have fell so fucking hard for you
Yet it seemed like I meant nothing to you
You were hiding your feelings from me
All you were doing was hurting me and hurting me
I was then regretting falling for you
Were you really worth it?
That voice in the back of my head kept screaming at me, yes yes yes!!
Yes you're worth it
So I delt with it and all the pain
And seeing you happy without me
Until one day in January
All that pain was all put to waste
All those days fucking waiting for you for nothing
She bugged you during class with those
questions
Do you still like her? Do you want to be with her? Do you? Do you? Do you?!?!?!!?
I can only imagine the irritation when you shouted out no I don't!! I wonder if you felt the regret, sometimes I hope you do
She found me before you did
It was too late
I heard it all
I fucking broke and lost it
Our last hug I'll never forget
I wish I would've stayed to talk to you
But the pain was hurting so much
I had to go
I had to leave
It was already too much
I had to I had to I had to
You couldn't imagine the pain of going back and forth on trying to forget you and never letting you go of those months without you
Fast forward to the end of 8th grade
A day before promotion
After the great America trip
I was overwhelmed with my love for you
I had to let it out to you
So I did
I was expecting a worse response
But you felt the same way
And I was relieved and I thought everything was going to be okay again
I thought.
Fast forward to now, a few days ago
We're both freshman's in high school
We go to different schools though so it's been rough, for me at least.
I wasn't feeling too good again
So I let it out to you
I wasn't expecting a good response yet your response confused me
All you out were a bunch of letters
And a I miss you.
That was not enough for me to know
So I couldn't go on
My friend thought of something
I would ask you out, to be my boyfriend again
If you said yes then we would do whatever we needed to, to work out again like before
And if you said no, then I'll have to let you go
When I asked you I was so anxious and scared
I wasn't expecting a good response but your confusion and bullshit answer of "not really" fucking broke me because you meant everything to me
Yet I never have meant anything to you
Your bullshit words of "I love you" tackled me and I hurt more than anything
If you really loved me then our distance wouldn't matter
I still love you through all these days of not seeing you
Yet I'm just another random thought in your head but now I feel I should let you go but keep you as a friend
Although I have never really come to a point of getting over you and finding someone new
I have to for the sake of myself
So this is my epilogue to you and our relationship
As the lyrics go in the song Andria by La Dispute
"If I can't love you as a lover, I'll love you as a friend"
I'll never forget about everything you made me feel, for you were my first true love
I don't regret it either because at that time it was exactly what I wanted
I still want do but it's time to get over you
I need to grow more as a person and explore something more than love cause I'm still young
Thank you for everything and all those memories we had together
I will always love you
and I'll never forget you, A.