The Thoughts we Never had the Chance to Say

Chapter 4 - Tragic Realizations

I can't.

I just want to sleep but i can't.

My chest still hurts. It feels like it's been crushed and stomped on by the heaviest creatures on earth.

I want to cry so much but if I do, people at school will question why my eye bags are so big tomorrow. I have to keep this all in.

I'm thinking about so much things right now.

The first thing that i thought about was there was never an "us" because our relationship was only until mutual understanding. He was never my boyfriend and i was never his girlfriend. In short he was never mine. I have NO RIGHT to get jealous, but..... F*ck i'm getting teary-eyed. NO!

I won't cry. I won't. I'll be strong.

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*alarm noises*
Huh? Umaga na pala? I fell asleep! I ran straight to the mirror and looked if I had eyebags.... And... Thank God! I don't have eyebags. I didn't cry. I'm fine. Right?

While taking a shower, i was still thinking of a lot of things. I thought of how i used to daydream about our future, where we'd live as husband and wife, what names would we give to our children and... And now it was just a dream. Nothing but a dream.

I WANT TO SCREAM(!!!!!!!!!)
I feel like bursting, but like i keep saying.... I won't.

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Life is not a fairytale, nor a novel. It's not like a story on wattpad where you can unpublish a chapter. It's real life and what happens stays as it is. You can never go back and you can never undo things you regret.

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Otw to school and I still keep thinking. Why don't i hate him already? Am i allowed to hate him? And why don't i hate her? "It wasn't her fault he fell for her" i answered myself.

Was it my fault?

"Clarisse? Dear, we've arrived at your school already. What're you thinking about?" Mom asked

"Oh, it's nothing mom. I was just remembering the science stuff i studied about last night" i lied with a smile. Hopefully it didn't look fake.

This day just started but i feel like it's been so long.

As i make my way down the corridors i think to myself, if it was my fault then i have no right, no right at all to be mad.

What if i appreciated him more? What if i also made a move? What if i wasn't shy and just showed him how much i truly loved him? What if?

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I never showed you I loved you, but I do. I really do. Everyday when i'm on my way home i would see a vacant lot and think to myself 'one day and Cabbage and I will build our house there' and i kept imagining our lives the happiest. I'm sorry. I just don't know how to express my feelings into words or actions because I'm afraid to lose you. I'm afraid that if I do or say something wrong, you'd stop liking me. I don't know what to do or what to say to you because this is the first time ever I felt this way and i want it to last but because of my fears i didn't actually do anything. And that made you think i didn't care and made you look for another girl that'll give you attention. I understand if we can't go back to the way we used to be but i just wanted you to know I loved you and I'm truly sorry." I said in my head... I just don't know how I'll face him after what I didn't do to him......

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FIRST OF ALL SORRY SORRY SORRY GUYS!!! Ngayon lang ako nakapag-update huhu at ang ikli pa pero from the heart yan! Kaya sana maappreciate nyo at maintindihan nyo si author hehehe. Lovelots pa rin! VOMMENT for me to be inspired :)
~author a.