Thinner Bones

part one

          “Aren’t you going to eat that?"

      Around me, I watch the swarm of high school students eat their lunch. Talking. Drinking. Gossiping. A kid at the table across from me chews with his mouth open gluttonously, unattractively munching down on his bean burrito. He notices me staring and stops mid chew and looks down at his tray in embarrassment; his cheeks flushing a deep red. The kid next to him--his friend-- inhales a bag of chips. Literally. He inhales it. I blink twice and stare, wondering how someone could be capable of --- 

     “Roselyn! Answer me!”

     Turning my head, my friend Jal is staring at me. Eyebrows knitted together, she holds a half eaten sandwich in her hand and swallows. Again she asks, “Aren’t you going to eat that?” 

     On the table in front of me rests a shiny red apple, untouched.

      “No,” I say, unable to met Jal’s glare, “I ate a really big breakfast this morning. My mom was actually home long enough to cook today. Pancakes and English muffins and raspberry jam. Mmmm… it was delicious! And plus, I also picked up a mocha on the way to school. I’m pretty stuffed.” I rub my empty stomach for extra measure.

      Jal doesn’t buy it though. She knows me better. She eyes me skeptically, “Why don’t you ever eat?”

     “What?” I burst, almost offended. “I do, too!”

     “No, Rose, you don’t.”

     “But I do though. I just always eat a huge breakfast. Before school. And I eat my lunch in earlier periods. I eat. All the time. Too much! You just never see.” Lies.

     “Okay… if you say so…” Jal drinks the last of her orange juice and then sets the empty bottle back on the table. “Have you ever considered… you know… getting help?”

     Almost too innocently, I ask, “Help? For what?”

     She frowns. “Okay, don’t even try to lie to me, Rose. I’ve seen you at lunch. I’ve asked around. You don’t eat. Never once have I seen you, not even when Mitchell brought red velvet cupcakes to school—which is supposed to be your favorite.”

     I flinch, remembering that day. I was the only person who refused.

     “You weigh about 70 pounds. Your clothes don’t fit. You look like one of those Dogz toys with a normal sized head that looks gigantic to their unrealistically tiny bodies. Lift up your shirt. I’m sure I can easily count your ribs.” She slides the apple closer in front of me. “Rose.” 

     Don’t do it, Roselyn. You’ll get fat. Don’t eat it.

     -Maybe just a bite? To get her off my back?

     You don’t deserve it. Maybe if you were 60 pounds maybe it’d be different.

     -Okay.

     Mentally, I imagine four thick repulsive worms crawling throughout the apple. Almost instantly, the desire to eat it is gone.

   Jal looks at me expectantly. “You know what?” I say, “I actually have to go.” Quickly, I collect my stuff and stand. “I’ll see you later, Jal. Nice talking to you!”

   I leave the cafeteria in a burst, the neglected apple still sitting on the table.

------

     Nine… ten…. Eleven… twelve… Twelve on each side. Twenty-four small hills on the pale plain that is my body. Twenty-four ribs, two sharp hip bones, and an already concaved stomach that can never be thin enough. I spin in the mirror, forever unhappy with my body. The more I stare, the more fat begins to pool on my thighs. I cry out in disgust.