Roommates

Chapter 5

As they walked back to their room, Jude kept trying to think of how he was going to ask Connor about the last week. Connor had been avoiding him, no doubt about that. But why? It couldn't possibly be what Jude hoped it was. There was no way that Connor was avoiding him because he actually liked him, right? He must have said something that made Connor uncomfortable last Sunday. That was the only possible explanation. Unless...there could always be that, the one thing that often happened as a result of who he was...

"Do you have a problem with me liking guys?" Jude blurted out, the thought coming out of his mouth faster than he could stop it.

"What? No! Why would you say that?" Connor exclaimed, obviously hurt that Jude would think that he did.

"It's just—you've been avoiding me all week Connor." Jude answered quietly, shoving his hands deep into his pockets, already feeling embarrassed for even asking the question.

"I needed some space to think about stuff okay? It had nothing to do with you." he explained, giving a half truth. He definitely needed space to think, that wasn't a lie, but it did have everything to do with Jude.

"I just—I'm sorry I'm so used to people, you know, not being okay with it and I just assumed—"

"Well can you please not assume things about me Jude? I don't have a problem with you being into guys! Jeez, give me a little credit." Connor snapped.

"I just couldn't think of any other reason why you would be avoiding me, you know?" Connor stopped. Jude probably had dealt with someone being negative almost every day since he came out, and he had every reason to be suspicious of him. He hadn't exactly said anything positive about it since Jude came out to him on Sunday.

"I guess—I guess I understand. That has to be hard, dealing with people who don't accept you all the time." Hence why I haven't come out yet, he wanted to add. "Sorry I didn't mean to snap at you like that."

"Look Connor, its fine."

"Wow, we're really doing a great job of actually being friends, aren't we?" Connor said sarcastically. They'd really been doing horribly. The dynamic of actually being around someone was so different. He wasn't really prepared; neither of them was in the slightest.

"It's just talking to you in person is so different." Jude commented.

"What do you mean?"

"I dunno, I guess online I always had time to reply and it wasn't weird when it took me more than five seconds. Now, if I don't reply right away, it just seems awkward I guess, and so in trying to not make things awkward, I keep saying the wrong things."

"In case you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly doing a stellar job either." Connor protested, not wanting Jude to take all the blame for this himself. Connor had obviously messed up worse than Jude. By not talking to him for a week, he made Jude think he hated him when there was no way he actually could.

"Well Jude, if I haven't said it yet, I'm glad that we met and are roommates. Honestly. Even if I haven't really acted like it." Connor said genuinely, trying to make some kind of apology for his asinine behavior.

"Yeah Connor, me too." Jude replied with a smile. They walked in uncomfortable silence, Connor grasping for something to say.

"So I was thinking about going to a party tonight." He said, changing the subject.

"After the fiasco that was last weekend?"

"Hey it wasn't that bad for me! I actually had a good time." Kind of true, he thought. Kissing you was probably my favorite part was what he wanted to say, but Jude didn't know that had happened and Connor wanted to keep it that way. Plus that kind of was the only part of the party he remembered. "So did you want to come?" He asked, knowing that having Jude come was obviously a bad idea, but why else would he have brought the party up? In his rush to break the awkward silence, he had said something he shouldn't have. Surprise, surprise.

"You're kidding me, right Connor?" Jude answered, stunned. He thought it was pretty clear that he really didn't enjoy the party (well maybe he enjoyed the party, but he didn't remember that; what he did remember was the awful hangover he had the next day). Connor looked at him, his face making it clear that he wasn't joking. "No Connor, I don't want to come." he said finally, trying to ignore the puppy dog eyes Connor seemed to be giving him. Sure, asking Jude to the party was almost definitely a bad idea, but Connor still wanted Jude to come with him.

"Oh." That disappointed voice. Dammit. Connor was going to drag him to another party, unless he came up with something to keep him in the room that night.

"Well, why don't we hang out? I mean we really didn't at all this last week, cause, well you know. We could like, watch a movie or play video games or something." Jude suggested, the words coming out in a rush. He really didn't want Connor going to another party. The thought of Connor making out with some girl (like he inevitably would) there made him cringe and made him—jealous. Yeah that was the only way to describe it.

"You're trying to tell me that a night in the room with you is going to be more fun than a night getting drunk and—alright actually that's fair." Connor said, changing his mind mid-sentence, causing Jude to giggle. "A movie sounds fun. What movie did you have in mind?"

"I uh—hadn't got that far yet. I didn't think you'd say yes. I figured you'd probably have more fun hooking up with some girl than spending a night in the room with me." Jude stuttered nervously.

"Oh hush, hanging out with you most definitely would be more fun." Connor replied quickly, not realizing how that sounded. "You sound like someone who just asked me out on a date and didn't think I'd say yes." Connor continued, laughing, still oblivious to how he was coming across to Jude at the moment. Not that far off actually Jude thought. Thankfully, they'd arrived at the dorms now, and Jude didn't have to answer to that. Connor stopped, turning in a different direction.

"I'm going to the library Jude." He said. Jude raised an eyebrow. "I'm actually going to study this time!" Connor clarified quickly.

"Alright Connor, be back at 4:00! I've decided we're having a The Lord of the Rings marathon." Jude called as Connor took off for the library, Connor throwing a thumb up over his shoulder in acknowledgement.

Okay so he lied to Jude again. He needed time to think, and the library was the best place for that. It was turning out that whenever he was in vicinity of Jude he couldn't take his eyes off him, which, not surprisingly, wasn't so conducive to thinking. Connor had to decide what his next move was going to be. Pushing Jude away wasn't an option, he'd already proved he couldn't do that; nor was avoiding him, because Jude noticed. That left two options: facing his feelings or ignoring them. Ignoring his feelings was easy, because he'd done it for so long, one way or another. Or at least it used to be easy, but maybe not, since Jude was turning a lot of what Connor used to be able to do on its head. And as scared as he was, Connor was getting tired of running. That left facing his feelings, but that meant dealing with two issues: his sexuality, and Jude.

Jude, right, there was another wrinkle he wasn't considering. He had no clue if Jude actually liked him back. It would be a total jackass move to assume that Jude was into him just because he was into guys. That was all he had to go off right now, and he wasn't actually going to make that assumption of Jude.

"Okay, so come out first, deal with Jude later." he muttered under his breath. He probably needed Jude's support more to come out. He probably couldn't do it without Jude, who he might not have to help him if he told Jude about his feelings for him first. So now he just had to work up the courage to say those words. I'm gay. To himself first, and then to Jude later.

A sudden noise derailed Connor's train of thought, and he pulled out his phone to see that it was 3:55. Shit, he was going to be late getting back to the room. He jumped up, sprinting out of the library, ignoring the librarian calling after him to stop running in the library.