Life is a Bitch

Prologue of How I Fucking Feel

I have this feeling one day, I'm going to have to explode in front of a lot of people. So much anger has been stored in me since I was born, mainly due to bad family life...but now, I'm in a different area, and still, school always seems to be a bitch to me. Maybe I shouldn't go to school. Maybe I should just go live on the streets...run away....but, who knows, right? NO one gives a shit about me. I don't even give a shit about myself. Sometimes I'm just angry...other times I'm super depressed. All the time I just want to isolate myself away from everybody, the people that I could potentially hurt. I ruined friendships, and apparently males just seem to fucking hate me. Maybe because I'm intimidating...mean...selfish...nothing worthwhile. I'm not like those kinds of girls that have a cool personality, or pretty, or rich, or just a fucking good friend. Me? I'm nothing. Nothing to this world. Nothing to anybody. I just don't want to exist anymore. Not saying that I'm suicidal, it's just...I don't know. What's the point of being alive when you don't think of yourself as something "good?"

I think I chose shitty friends to be around with...not all of them are bad thought...Shel__ and Am__ are pretty cool, but everyone else just seems to "use" me, maybe because I'm somewhat smart or they feel pity that I have no one to be around with. I have yet to have a "sleepover" or a "play-date." I don't go over to peoples' houses because no one has ever invited me, even though I witness them invite the "friend" next to me. Parties are a fucking joke...7th grade is a good example. I knew this girl, and I didn't have any classes with her that year or in 6th grade. It hurts to know that she invites all my "friends" and I'm are not. The thing is, is that I talked to her a lot and made her laugh. We even went to the same church. A black boy with glasses walked up to me and asked if I was invited to her party, but I said no. He was and so was a lot of other people. When I was around her, she never even mentioned it. I don't think she'll ever realize how I felt about that. I don't think anyone ever will.

So there you have it. I'm a depressed and angry loner looking for someone to talk to. I look at others and see how happy they are. Why can't I be like that? I wish I had help. I wish I had someone to talk to...someone to relate to.