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May 20th, 2013

It has been extremely rainy out lately and I think that's maybe the reason why my spirit hasn't been so cheery, or maybe it's the fact my friend is sending me mixed signals. Now that I think about it, I don't have many friends. I like to stick with a tight, smaller group of people. It's a lot easier to deal with drama, plus, big groups tend to trigger my anxiety.

I mean, I love all my friends, but in different ways. Some will just completely piss me off. For instance, Jackie will always find a way to dig deep into my thoughts or emotions and cause me to snap. I try not to make it obvious, but it always drives me mad. I think that's what I hate most about people in general, they pry. They just try to dig deeper and deeper hoping to figure out everything about you. I think the worst part is when you find someone you THINK you can trust, so you tell them. That's when they hold it against you. Anyway, it's only Monday and of course, I'm wishing for it to be Friday...Actually, I want it to be summer so I can be finished with school. School has been boring, as always. 

I think these past two days have been some of my worsts in a while, I've just been so unhappy. Well, not unhappy...But sad. The worst part? I don't even know why. Probably from the lack of company or conversation from my friends, did I mention how they don't care whether I'm sad or not? Well I mean when they do notice I push them away anyway. The one friend I can feel like I can talk to NEVER asks me if I'm okay though, and that just bothers me the most. I mean of course I love my other friends, but for some reason I know she just won't pity me, and I like that. Last time I told anything to my friend she became a pitiful person, it sucks. Anyway, back to this girl...I know she's sad, and I KNOW she won't show it. I think the worst part is that she doesn't want to talk about it to anyone. I want to approach her about it, but I'm afraid she will get angry with me for "prying" and I will just lose her as a friend. Is wanting to help someone prying? I don't know... Is this a good time to let out a long exahsporated sigh? She doesn't mind when I talk to her about things but I just wish she felt comfortable enough to do the same. What does that say about our friendship?

It's weird I hate so much talking about my problems to anyone except the few people I trust, but do those people trust me? Well yes, of course they trust me. But maybe it's just me. I don't like admitting to anything so maybe they don't want me to worry about it. I am a Capricorn after all, we don't really like expressing our feelings through words, so I guess that's why I'm afraid to approach someone with a problem. 

I want to tell someone what I'm feeling, but I don't want to come off as weak and vulnerable. Then again, I can't go back to what happened last time I bottled everything in.