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May 21st, 2013

It's officially Tuesday and I feel even worse then I did yesterday. My friends are just leaving me out of everything, even if they don't mean to, they are. And it really hurts. I can't help feeling upset about it, I can't control my feelings. My parents said if my grades don't get better they would send me to another school, but now that I think about it... Maybe it isn't such a bad idea, my one friend just decides when she wants to talk to me and when she doesn't. Sometimes she ignores me and sometimes she doesn't and I don't think it's healthy for me. I want to move to my friends town and go to her school, generally I don't care if people talk about me, but I can't handle my friends ignoring me.

I'm generally a really happy person, when my friends decide to talk to me. I don't even think my friend realizes that it really hurts when she doesn't talk to me. Actually, she'd probably thing I'm "over reacting." Am I though? To be honest, after everything that has happened, I have a right to be upset. I can't handle losing another person so close to me. I think what really just makes me mad is how hypocritical she is. She used to say things to me like "I never understood how people could diliberately harm themselves or how someone could feel so sad all the time." 

I couldn't agree cause I did know how it felt, and those converstaions just made me feel uncomfortable and awkward. Up until last month I found something of hers and I know she's sad, but the thing that got me is that she confronted me (indirectly, meaning she big time hinted she knew everything about me) about something I'm not comfortable about, and I KNOW If i confronted her about something like that she would shake it off and say "Oh please, don't worry about it." So how come she can be a huge hypocrite about it and confront me about things but I can't do the same to her? At least I can face my problems and come to the conclusion that I have them! 

It just get's me so angry. When she does talk to me, she's basically my closest friend in the school to ME. But I definitely feel like I mean nothing, and I mean NOTHING, to her. We've had deep conversations before and I feel 100% comfortable around her, and that's why I'm sad. I'm losing my friends and it's all for no aparent reason. For example, today on the bus to school I sat down and she would periodically shift away from me. AWAY FROM ME. It's those little things that make me feel like shit. Well, excuse me for sitting next to you like I do every day since, what? October? September?

You only ever care about me (if you do at all) when you need me for something. At points I completely take back what I'm saying, because you seem so nice and then act like you care, but other times.... I stick with my word.