Mutterings

If Only... But Not Today

Some days are better than others. Most days I can find my smile, but not today. I don't know why today was so different from yesterday, but it was. It went the same, I went to all my classes and got on the bus and left. When I got home it was just like any other day, I slept. It was a great nap and I dreaded waking up just like yesterday's nap, but this one was different. I dreamt that I was dead, well not fully dead; I was in a coma. It was one of the scariest dreams I've had in a long time. It was pitch black and I could hear mumbling of people, but I couldn't figure out what they were saying because my demons were louder than them. I was stuck in my head and I felt like I was going crazy. I tried to scream but nobody could here me.  

I could feel my thoughts explode like a match meeting a gasoline spill. They always know what to say. The right words to break me. I try so hard to just push them away, to try a focus on the positive, but then the back of my mind gets crowded like Walmart on Black Friday. That's when days like today become unbearable. The back of my mind suddenly takes control and I  feel everything all at once. Some say it's a gift to feel everything so deeply. In some cases that would be true but in my case it's a curse. I either feel everything or nothing at all. Most days I  just feel empty or incomplete but those aren't the days that I dread. I dread the days where I actually feel emotions. On the days where I feel, it's like getting hit right in the face by a bowling ball. I'm so used to this incomplete feeling that when sadness or pain or even happiness come around I don't know what to do. So I fake it. I fake the person I am. I don't even know who I am anymore. I just know that the only feeling I know how to deal with is emptiness.  

You can ask people about me and they would probably say "Oh! She's the funniest and sassiest person you'll ever meet!" And by the way I act that about sums it up.  I try so hard to laugh and smile around people because I want to be the reason why somebody had a good day. I want to be the smile that brightens someone's day, even if i'm not feeling happy myself, I at least want to make them happy. I care about others more than I care about myself. And I believe that is why when I start feeling all these emotions I hide away from people by lying or putting on a mask. It's so much easier than trying to explain how or what I am feeling to a person who is only curious. That's why I must keep the real me; wherever she is locked away from the world. The world isn't ready  to see me. If only they could see me... but not today