No Love Lost

Chapter 1♥

"Thats not true dee, you do mean some thing....to somebody....pull it together" I kept thinking as I found myself walking out of my now ex-boyfriend's house. Well atleast I thought of him as a boyfriend. On the other hand he just seen me as a quick fuck when ever he wanted. He didnt want to be seen with me at all. He never really just chilled with me during the day. A year and 5 months with this guy and I just now notice that.

I couldn't believe that I fell for the whole ' baby I love you' act just to get inside my pants. It seems like thats all guys wanted from me. Especially since I didnt look a perfect size 2. But all of that stopped when Major and I started talking. They knew I was his property and his only, even though he never wanted me around until he needed to get a load off.

"Aye deeyona.....!" He yelled from inside his house throwing me out of my thoughts. I quickly wiped the tears that managed to escape before turning around

"What Maj!"

"You forgot something" He yelled throwing the only memory I had of my grandmother at my feet.

I held my middle finger up to him as I squinted barley able to see through the tears streaming down my face. I quickly shoved the contents back In before picking up my purse

"You forgot you already have baby" he let out a hoarse chuckle before slamming the door

Shaking my head I made my way over to my car and sped down the street. I dont know what had gotten into him. Our once almost perfect relationship had turned into shit. He use to tell me how much I meant to him and to never let anybody tell me other wise. How I was beautiful and i made plus size look perfect. But that made a turn rather quickly when these past few months he had been calling me a pig and how im starting to let myself go. Just a few minutes ago I caught him on the phone with his 'baby mother' and he had the nerve to fix his mouth and say to me .." you'll never be more than just a jump off" hearing him actually say that made me come to my senses and realize that he was right. As long as I was in a relationship with him thats all he seen me as. And I hate that coming from a guy that i actually love.

I let the lyrics of Usher's The Matrimony take over as I pulled into the hell hole I called a home. Turning off the car I sat there for a little bit before exiting.

"Bout time you brought your ugly ass home..." my mother barked as soon as I stepped in the house"....where you been this time cause I know you dont have friends"

I ignored her antics and continued to my room.

"Oh so you dont hear me now" she said now following behind me

I stopped in my tracks "whatchu want?"I said frustration now taking over.

"I said where you been... nobody wants to be round' yo' ass so you have no business coming in this late"

I turned around looking at her. I start to notice how the little things that she does become a big problem. Like the way she always had her robe tied tightly around her waist, the way she kept rollers in her hair, and the way every time I seen her she was sucking on a cancer stick or drinking a beer with so much anger and hurt built inside.

I despised the person that she had became. Always so quick to take her anger out on me. I guess you can say I learned how to cope with it because I don't react how I use to.

"I was out" I said stepping inside my room and closing the door before she could get another word out.

She was never the nicest person but never this mean either. You could say its due to my grandmother dying and my dad leaving her around the same time. She never really learned how to suppress her anger. Every since then she has hated my presence i guess since I look just like him.

I walked over to my bed pulling out my journal I had stashed under my mattress. I turned to the page I had dog earred and began writing.

Today more lessons were learned, but still so many things left unanswered
Like what is the true meaning of beauty or love?
Im starting to belive that beauty is only measured by the perfect image every girl wants to be and that every guy wants to have

Are feelings even still involved or everyone still in competition for who has the baddest bitch? The generation we now live in doesn't consider that its the little things we do that count. So many questions,So many answers .....

I wake up everyday assuming that something is different or people will finally make up their mind... As far as today lessons taught to me is nothing has changed. People are still being used for others guilty pleasure.

And no matter how tight family is they will still kick you when your down

You can tell someone things about themselves so many times that they actually start to believe it,

Like your fat, your ugly, noone loves you......
But for me I still think that there's hope for it all, I won't let others judgement stop me I will be successful

-The perfectly imperfect
Deeyona♥

I closed my journal tucking it back under my pillow. That seemed to be my only escape, as long as I wrote my feelings im able to keep a level head.
Even though I didn't write in my journal every day , whenever I did I always felt better. I pulled out my earbuds shoving them in my ear letting Bryson tillers' lyrics drift me off. 10 minutes later sleep caught up with me.