Loser

Loser

Truth to be told I always like to read books about genius people who controlled everything that happened. You know the moment when it appears like they lost control for a moment but at the end you discover it was part of their plan. Well I live just before that moment. Just before I tell everybody my plan because truth to be told I don't have one. I keep waiting to find out that trick I'm hiding in my sleeve but it never happens. 

I try to convince myself that I’m just having a bad day as I sit in aunt Annie’s house on my birthday all alone and stare at a small cupcake with a candle on it but I know it’s far deeper than that since I felt that feeling for a really long time.

I first felt that feeling when I was ten and watched my sister Nancy  get beaten to death in front of my eyes but was unable to help her. I don’t think that feeling of helplessness ever really left. 

My parents couldn’t deal with the situation and casted me off like you cast off old clothing. If my aunt hadn’t stepped in and took care of me I don’t know what would have happened. 

I still have nightmares every time I go to sleep and my visits to the therapist only made it worse. Not only that, my neighbours also knew about me seeing a therapist and that my parents abandoned me so they came to a conclusion that I was crazy and I even overheard rumours that I was the one who killed my sister and that is the reason why my parents can’t bear to look at me.

Not only that, a couple of kids that lived nearby also began to throw rocks at me every time I am within reach. Apparently that is hilarious. 

It is all really hurting me but I can’t even share my problems with my aunt since she has a life of her own and I don’t want to be even a bigger burden to her. She already has so much on her plate and that is mostly because of me. 

The trouble always seems to find me no matter how hard I try to avoid it. 

My life is out of my control and no matter how hard I try I am and will always be the biggest loser of all. If you want to describe me you should use words like depressed, hopeless and stupid. The saddest thing you can hear is that I still hope that I will one day be the one who controls my life even when deep down I already know it isn’t going to happen.