Don't Want To Forget But Hurts To Remember.

I was sitting with my hands on my head and my eyes shut. I’ve been doing this a lot lately, always thinking about Hailey.I think about her being with me and how we were inseparable before all this.

“Bradley?” the woman said.

She waved her hand in front of my face, when i didn't react she gave me a little shake.

I lifted my head off of my hands slowly then studied my surroundings.

Table, wall,chair,door. that’s it?

I turned slightly and found the voice who was talking to me.

Brown hair, mid 30’s I’m guessing,long nails,white top black dress pants, and holding papers in a folder.

She was sitting in a chair next to mine, I looked confused at her.

she asked, “Bradley, tell me about the day Hailey died.”

That’s when i remembered why i was here. She was waiting for my answer, but all I could do was stare at the plain, white brick wall past her, remembering every detail from that night.

From what  she was wearing, to what she smelt like.

“Bradley do you remember?”

“We, we were walking outside, it was a little after midnight but it was so beautiful. She didn’t want to go I practically had to drag her out.” I smiled at myself, remembering her laugh.

I focused again, “she had gotten into a fight with her mom and we went out to talk about it, but  before we could they took her, took us I mean.”

I frowned, but anger was building up on the inside.

I started asking myself questions out loud, What  if we would’ve just stayed inside?

Why did it have to be us of all people? Why didn’t I do something?

The last one caught her attention.

“Bradley honey, none of this is your fault at all.” there was kindness in her eyes.

I stood up, “oh really? because it sure seems like it! I could’ve done something, anything even if it could’ve gotten me killed. I was willing to do anything for Hailey but what did I do? Not a damn thing.” I stopped, calmed down then continued.

“Hailey was my best friend, I never had stronger feelings for anyone in my entire life. So don’t tell me this isn’t my fault.” I looked down.

I sat back down but pulled my seat away from the woman.

I closed my eyes once again and  suddenly got chills, I ran my hands up and down my arms,

I thought about how warm she use to be, how soft her skin was when she hugged me, how she felt when she hugged me. Her voice rang in my ears and I started to cry I grabbed a tissue from the table and wiped my eyes.

“Hailey didn’t deserve to die.” That’s all I said.

I wanted so badly to get out of here, to just be by myself and go to sleep.

so without opening my eyes I took a deep breath, sighed and asked,

“may I go home?”

She was silent for a moment, probably debating if she should let me go or not.

“Yeah sure, come on” we both stood and walked out of the room.

My mother was waiting for me in the lobby. She quickly stood from her seat when she seen me and walked over, rubbing my arm to comfort me.

“You okay? You look like you’ve been crying.”

“Yeah, It’s just hard” I frowned and looked at the ground.

My mother thanked the detective and we walked out.It was just begining to feel like fall, the leaves were falling from the trees and the air was crisp.

   I remember this time last year perfectly, like it just happened. Me and Hailey were outside raking her leaves, well I was raking, she was jumping in the piles I had made causing me to start all over again.

“Bradley you’re no fun!” Hailey said sitting in the pile of leaves

I stopped, “do you wanna rake these leaves yourself?” I said forcefully. She shook her head giving me a smile causing me to smile back and throw a handful of leaves at her.

she gasped, “Bradley how dare you!”

“I was throwing them in the pile that you so happen to be sitting in.” I smirked, “why are you sitting in a pile of leaves anyway? you’re suppose to be helping me!”

“Bradley you’re doing a spectacular job, my help would only mess it up.” she said laying back in the leaves.

I slowly walked up to where she was laying, standing above her, “you know you don’t want to help.” I sat next to her, “ so don't even pretend like you wanted to.” leaning over her, smiling.

“You got me Bradley,” lifting her hands to surrender. “I just want you here to rake my leaves.” she winked at me.

I narrowed my eyes at her and shook my head at her obvious sarcasm.

“Honey?” My mother said, breaking me out of my flashback.

“yeah, sorry I was thinking.” I looked around, we were sitting on the bench now, just in front of the bus stop. I ran my fingers through my hair and rubbed my face with my hands.

“About Hailey again?”  she said questionably.

“Uh huh, about last fall.” I sighed.

“We would always lay on the hill by her house.”

I looked at my mother to make sure she was actually listening, and she was, processing every word. She knew how Hailey and I were with each other, how I was the only one to break her out of her shell back in middle school and she was the only one to get me to talk during my parents divorce. We were always there for each other.

My mom only nodded her head and rubbed my back lightly, she knew if I said anything more out loud I’d have a break down.

She nudged me to look the other way to notice the bus was coming. We both stood and walked slowly to the curb, standing on the side of the road waiting for people to get off the bus so we could get on. My mother’s car has been in the shop for weeks now after I crashed it driving home from school last month.

Riding the bus everyday, everywhere drives me completely insane, I use to be outgoing and happy to go places. Now, I don’t dare to leave the house. I only talk to one friend (Paul) out of the dozens I had, and I haven’t been to school in weeks.

  The presence of anybody but my family and Paul irritates me and I just want them to give me space, a lot of it.

  On the bus I looked around, not a lot of people, but enough to still make me uncomfortable.

I just put in my headphones and thought, and thought, and thought some more about how I use to before, before all this happened.

Hailey would tell me my smile was the best feature about me, but honestly, she was the only one

to make me really smile.

I pictured her on the grass next to me, using my arm as a pillow. Her golden brown hair, matching her golden brown eyes would shine in the sunlight.

“Bradley it’s too bright I’m gonna go blind.” She would complain.

I held my hand just above her face to give her eyes a rest from squinting.

She turned on her side now looking into my eyes still laying on my arm. I lowered my hand lightly running the outside of it along the side of her face.

“You’re so cheesy I swear.” she blushed and sat up pulling her long hair to one side of her neck only to lean down and kiss my cheek.

The bus hit a bump in the rode and I came back to reality, looking out the window I placed my hand on my cheek, in the exact place she kissed it and kept it there and closed my eyes.