The Diary of Somebody In Particular by Bill Goldman (pseudonym)

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APRIL 23rd:  Ever since I was born I had to fight my way to the top.  I've spent the last year living with a mad woman and fifteen cats, and I've barely got a nerve end left.  Nearly everyone is older than me, so that when I'm at the back of the queue I tend to stay there, or else I'm up front and get a smack round the ear for not knowing my place.  I should really have starved to death by now, so that proves there's a God somewhere.  Most of my family get on with those who aren't our family, but I don't even like most of them.  The only thing I'm really interested in is the wicker chair by the fire, and old Charlie's always asleep on that.  Because he's the oldest he does what he likes and usually gets away with it, so that the only thing around here which I really want is the one thing I can't have.  Last night he nodded off standing up (not wise) on the bookshelf and fell against the back of the chair, except it turned out to be the front, and Charlie hit the deck like an oak tree struck by lightning which saw our beloved owner (who's as daft as a brush) leap a foot in the air and send a mug of tea sweeping across the carpet like a tsunami with the wind behind it.  She nearly used Charlie to mop it up with, so that soon took the smirk off his face.  Okay, it was a nasty shock for an old timer like him, but he ain't  so smug now is he.

     I'm getting aggro from the woman next door, all because I clipped her tom round the ear last Tuesday.  Anyway, afterwards I had a quick groom, and he had the nerve to whip a fillet of steak right from under my nose.  I'd had to run the gauntlet from next doors kitchen window for that, and ducked just in time to avoid an empty bean can which had apparently sprouted wings.  Later the woman had to pick it up anyway, so I should care.  The upshot was, that after he stole the fillet I wasn't all that bothered, because I got it from his house to begin with.  Until she found him with that I'd never seen a cat scale a fifteen foot wall before.  There's not much sense or class around here.  As for the ginger tom two roads away, well, he's another matter.  I might lie around on the wall today, and see if he can resist me.

APRIL 23rd:  What can happen in just two days amazes me.  My mistress knows a man who likes cats, so the next thing you know I'm stuffed in a box and spirited away without so much as a by-your-leave.  I mean, what if  didn't want to go, then what?  But I'm just Lilith the cat, and what I think obviously doesn't count for much.  Well, as it happens I'm satisfied, and I've seen the last of the queue at the food bowls.   I never really had time to get used to the place anyway, and I think my days as a refugee are over.  Unfortunately my new owner is not yet wholly familiar with certain cat habits, as I discovered pretty early on.  On entering a new abode it's only natural to scent your territory, but, whatever it means, shouting "cat shit!" at the top of his voice only makes matters worse and forces you to do it all the more.  It wasn't so much necessity as the fear which did it.  Anyway that was yesterday, and this is my first real day at the new place.  I don't know if he lives alone yet, but I'll soon find out.  If there is someone else they might be out at work, which is a word I still don't understand.  They go to a place called work, and yet they all seem to go to different places, but how can one place be in so many places at the same time when everything else is either here or there, but not everywhere at once?  It's one of those human things you just can't fathom.  Maybe, when I say I'm going to sit on the wall, but don't say which wall, well maybe it's a bit like that?  So, work is a wall humans sit on all day.  Being human must be a really boring thing, so it's a good job we're around to give them an interest in something.  It saves them sitting on the wall all day.  Anyway, looks like we're approaching feeding time, so let's see what I get.

APRIL 26th:  I've been here a day and already it's an education.  As I thought there are two of them, and the other one is female.  I knew I could smell something the males don't wear, and when I knocked over a bottle of the stuff it was a certainty.  They seem to think it smells good, and apparently the females use it to attract their menfolk, but what I can't understand is why they always end up attracting the same ones.  I mean the world is full of humans, so you'd think they'd try half a dozen at least, but for some reason many of them don't, unless you include people like mister Brown near my old place.  He used to do it a lot, but when his female found out she didn't like it very much.