"I just don't want to hurt you."
This is the most ridiculous thing anyone who loves you can ever say
I knew going into this I was fucked
Waking up with my chest clawed open, raw, exposed, skin peeled back, you could barely see the thing you would call my heart
It felt tiny, like it was barely beating-- barely managing
And you knew darling, you knew, so this must be no surprise to you-- waking up all beaten and bruised, drenched in anxiety, everything aching
Boohoo little red, boohoo
17
What else is there to say?
Now I know
Now I know that being gray is not the way
Things are better in black and white, there can be no in between-- but in between was all I knew
It is still what I know, but now I know that when it comes to love, it is only black and white
It is either hushed or laughing
Giddy like a child, or rotting
Still and stiff, or in-the-moment heat
This is what I was told, but I did not listen
It's just one of those things that everyone must experience I suppose
Go with it until it leaves your heart raw, beaten, and exposed
And oh did it feel
S H I T T Y
Waking up was excruciating
It felt like I was swimming through the ocean, with stones and boulders replacing the water
And you, love
Sweet, stupid fucking, beautiful, love,
If you ask me again,
"are you okay?"
I will always respond,
"yes, I'm fine."
Because,
I
won't
let
you
know
How could I let you know? I could never let you feel guilty for what you did, I could never ever stand to see you feeling like complete shit in front of me
That's why I'll write it, because you'll never read it
So you'll never know how after I hung up, I cried instantaneously, out of happiness and sadness
There was no confusion anymore, no more torturing thoughts
So I went outside and flew
It was only for a while before strings wrapped around my ankles, cutting me deep, dragged me back
You'll never know how salty water stung my eyes, everyday that week
With my skin feeling as if it had been scraped by nails, hurting all the way downstairs, making sure not to bump into the walls so as not to feel the sting of my open wounds
I was so sensitive
Listening to music set me even more uneasy, as if a rake were scratching against chalkboard-- I couldn't take it
You'll never know how hard it was to push away those soft memories of you and I, making wrinkles on bedsheets, wrapped around each other-- this hurts
You'll never know how at the end of the day, The Gloom would come over me, causing me to taste the familiar saltiness that came down from my eyes
You'll never know darling, you'll never know
because,
I
won't
let
you
