Lights Out

Into the Night

My body slams to the floor and instantly I wake up. I realize I've rolled over off my bed.

“Shit,” I say, combing back my sweaty hair.

Wait, sweaty hair? My whole body is drenched in sweat and I feel disgusting. What the hell.

I glance at the clock realizing my surroundings. It’s two a.m.

And no one woke me up. Thanks mom.

I stare outside my window to see that the pitch dark sky is a welcoming sight. Daylight is a drag but there’s something about the night that brings out the excitement of life. I never enjoyed daylight as much as I did with night.

I think to all the times I would take midnight walks alone, or with him. I shift my body onto the bed ignoring that I’m still drenched with sweat.

I would stuff my hands in my pocket and look up to the moon feeling jealous. It got to stay out there all night and enjoy silence. And then I took a second look at the moon and felt sad for it. It was all alone, all the time, and the ones that did go out at night were usually ‘up to no good’. And yet the novelty of the moon made me curious. If I experienced what the moon would feel, how would it be for me?

The thought sends shivers down my body. No, it wasn’t awful, but I knew how it felt now. I knew the feeling of being alone, no matter how many people surrounded me. Rumours fly around the moon, and how no one really landed on it. Rumours fly around the school. She didn’t really love him; she didn’t even shed a tear. Look at her, she doesn’t even feel guilty.

The amount of truth behind those rumours is about the amount of truth behind Hitler being a justified man.

I loved him with every particle in me. I loved him so much that I couldn’t feel. I felt numb everywhere I went. Everywhere I go he reminds me that I am part of him, that I can’t escape it. I don’t mind having his presence around, it’s nice. But everyone else seems to think I’m over it. Instead, I’m dead inside. Only Lily knows I’m not over it. She sees right through me.

The guilt I feel plagues me. It’s not fair, me staying and all. My guidance counsellor looks at me with pity in his eyes. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know how to deal with it.

And that’s how it is with me. I am moon. I am misunderstood to have a nice, plentiful life where nothing bothers me. But I know moon. It too feels the loneliness of the night, it feels what I feel.

I stand up and feel for my desk, and then my desk light. I pull the string on the lamp and the light brightens my room causing me to close my eyes quickly. Ugh, the brightness.

I open my eyes slowly and try not to look around my room, take anything in.

I unclothe myself and decide that my parents won’t care if I take a shower, so I step into the bathroom with a towel.

The shower burns my skin, but it successfully gets rid of the sweat replaced with a warm, but unfulfilling feeling. The emptiness continues.

When I get out of the shower and put on shorts and a tank top I decide I can’t stand this room. I grab a small zip up hoodie and run downstairs.

Walking out of my house I look back inside to see how empty the house is too.

Outside the weather is perfect. Arizona can have colder than cold nights, but tonight I feel a brisk wind and a warm air to everything. The midnight walks I take usually distract me from school, friends, and life, everything in general. Usually I think back to my dreams but I can’t seem to put my finger on this one.

I’m that girl who remembers her dreams and tells the bizarre ones to her friends to get them to crack a smile. And yet, this one kind of stumps me. Why was I sweating so much?

I’m on the sidewalk to my private neighbourhood, and stop in the middle of the sidewalk trying to figure it out. The stop of motion suddenly launches me into a memory. My peripheral vision in the dream catches a boy and girl motionless. I push them out of the way. I’m hurrying to school, and I know I’ll be late to one of my college classes. Wait, I’m in college.

Suddenly I’m back on the sidewalk with my side track of thought and I give up. The dream couldn’t have been that important anyways.

I stuff my hands in my hoodie pockets and lift up my hood. I slightly tilt my head, not enough to knock off my hoodie, and glance up to the dark night sky. The moon gives me a sad hello.

Yes. How I do know this place.