Lullabies

"You know, I still remember the lullabies you've sang to me when I was younger, so much younger. Whenever I had a nightmare and woke up screaming you started to sing, quietly and pretty out of key, but it calmed me down and you've got both of us out of trouble because Dad would have killed us if I hadn't calmed down.."

Sam sighed quietly and let his head hang down low. He still remembered his youth so vividly, sometimes still had nightmares about his younger years.

"I never understood why he treated you the way he did, you were always so brave and gave up everything, just to please your old father. I still don't understand why you never ran away, you could have been so happy but still you choose to stay.. I wish I could have understood your reason sooner," Sam sighed again.

"You have made it your job to look after me, keep me happy and keep me away from those monsters you were fighting. I just wish you had told me your monsters were real, I could have helped you, you know?"

Another deep sigh and he shook his head, pulling his hair in frustration.

"It could have turned out differently! Just one word could have saved your goddamn live but no, you have chosen to keep it all to yourself! Why, Dean?! Why did you never trust me enough to tell me that your demons were real and you were a real warrior and not just one in those stories?!"

Sam let out a strangled cry, not able to hold back his tears any longer. Years had passed since his older brother had died and at first he had thought it had been an accident... Until he found Dean's journal.

"I don't understand how you managed to put on such a bright smile everyday even though you were struggling so much. You put it on for me, you wanted me to believe that you were strong, you wanted me to be proud of you, didn't you? Oh Dean, I always have been proud of you, I have always been proud to be your younger brother. I admired every of your words, every of your thoughts but you just couldn't see it."

Sam thought back of his brother, could see the broken eyes, the sad smile. Now that he was older he understood how broken his older brother really had been, understood that Dean had just been looking for someone to pull him out of hell. Sam wished he could have been the one to save his brother but he had been too late, lost the chance to save his brother and in the process he also lost his brother.

"You always told the best stories, always found a way to distract me from bad thoughts and make me smile again but those stories never worked for yourself. But after I got older you stopped telling me stories, stopped singing me lullabies. You hated your imagination, hated your voice."

Sam shuddered at that memory. He hated reliving those moments but somehow he had to get those thoughts out.

"You hardly spoke anymore and to make matters worse, you hardly are or lived anymore all in all. You had changed so much, it was scary. I blamed myself back then, you know? I thought I was the reason of your change but you realized that too, huh?"

Sam smiled sadly and put his fingers around the amulet his brother had worn all those years ago.

"You started putting up a show for me, started living for me again.. Or at least you did call it living. It was hardly living but you tried to care for yourself again, just to keep me happy. But I've noticed how dull your eyes were, how your smile never reached them. I've noticed that you have worn long sleeves, even during summer but I had been too young to understand what was going on with you."

Sam sighed.

"But Dad was giving you a hard time. I remember how you've always locked yourself in your room when he shouted at you and you've come out hours, sometimes even days, later, a smile prominent on your face. They didn't let me see your body back then but they've said that your skin looked horrible, that those small silvery lines littered your body. Not one inch of skin was without a scar, just your hands and your face stayed clean of scars."

Sam shook his head slightly and looked down to the floor, still not quite understanding everything that had happened back in the past.

"Did it get worse after I ran away? I wanted you to come with me so badly but you just had to be the loyal soldier, didn't you? I'm not mad at you for that, I never was, after all it was just how you've been raised. And you were always so scared of disappointing dad, you never told him your piece of mind... I wished you would have done that, or I would have insisted on taking you with me... Maybe you would still be alive then.."

His voice broke and he let out a quiet sob. After all those years he was still blaming himself, still couldn't stop but think of everything that could have happened.

"We never talked again after that, I broke every strings that connected me to dad... Until he called me again, maybe one or two years after that horrible fight... He had been crying, I never heard him so devastated, so broken.. He told me that you've died.. You were driving in a heavy storm, getting back home from work and somehow your car crashed.. You were dead instantly. They said it was an accident but was it really, Dean? Have you just waited for the perfect moment to finally die?"

Sam wipped away the tears furiously. No, he wouldn't cry, not anymore. His brother had stayed strong for so long and now he should be too. But, wasn't that exactly the reason why Dean broke too? Keeping his feelings inside wouldn't help much but he was just so tired of crying.

"I never came to visit your grave, this is the first time I've actually come here. I had been too busy with studying and then my girlfriend got pregnant... I think you would like her, she's sweet and she is good for me.. she helped me back then when you died and helped me to get back to my former self, thankfully. And you would love your niece, she is always happy and whenever someone sees her they fall in love with how sweet she is. Her name is Mary and... fuck, why can't you still be alive?!"

Sam sobbed and buried his face in his hands, not trying to hold back the tears any longer. He couldn't deal with that staying strong act anymore, couldn't keep fighting the tears and the pain he had buried those years ago.

"She is seven now and I don't know why but she just loves cars and classic rock, you would just love her. Sometimes she reminds me so much of you but you're not here... The first time she demanded listening to Metallica.. Jess had to hold me, I couldn't stop crying... I just wish you were here, wish you could take Mary on drives in Baby, would help me whenever I need some kind of advice.."

Sam sighed and shook his head, standing up again. He had been sitting on the grass ever since he had come here and he had to go soon now.

"Oh man... You'd be devastated if you knew what happened to Baby, she was completely destroyed and nothing could save her... I wished we could have repaired her, I would still have something left from you. Not that I don't have anything.. I still have your lullabies."

Sam smiled slightly and patted the tombstone, his eyes still filled with tears.

"I remember those lullabies, word for word and I sang them to my little girl... She loves them and she told me that your soul is living in then.. Who would've guessed that my daughter is so brilliant? But... thanks for everything, especially those lullabies."