My not so interesting crazy life

Nanas Birthday On the Illinios River

As far as birthdays go I'm  horrible at remembering them. As it happened i had forgotten my nanas birthday this year and was rather surprised when she said that in just a week or two we would be going back down the Illinois  River and then it hit me, it was her birthday. I couldn't decide what to get her. What do you get somebody that has everything? I didn't have any money and borrowing it from mom to give to nana seems like such a dumb idea. Matter of fact i hate asking for money for any reason. Its not mine so why should I spend it? I didn't work for it so why should i even ask? Going out with friends without money (which does happen on occasion) is always a struggle more for them than for me. When we go out and i am offered something my first instinct is to decline. Its theirs not mine and i have no right to it. Me and Lilizepa actually argued for a while in the mall on weather or not she would buy me lunch once. I flatly refused for a good long while. And the whole time the others were eating she would say to me " You sure you don't want some? Get some Destiny. I don't care. Destiny im so done with you right now." To each i would decline until watching the others eat got a bit too tempting and i did end up getting some food from Lilizepa. So what was i to do about my nanas gift? She already has so many things! Borderline hoarder is a good term. My mom gave me $50 because the trip was going to be a bit expensive for nana and Joe. I decided then that if we stopped anywhere that had souvenirs i would get her something to commemorate our trip. There was one stop that we made in Arkansas and since I had been driving for the past two or three hours due to the fact that i had just gotten my permit and desperately needed the practice on the highway. I was quite tired  and forgot 100% about getting her a gift. To this day even though it was just a few months go i still feel guilty. The cake she had was like a giant cold Reece's cup that was almost three horizontal hands high. It was so sweet you could barley finish one slice without going into a sugar coma. In the end i ended up spending the money on a second night in the motel room. I guess you could say that was my gift to nana but really i dont think it counts very much. I still feel bad about it. But this isn't the story i wanted to tell in this chapter. This isn't about so much my nana but rather the time I nearly left this world.

Yea id been suicidal before. But never strong enough to do it. Never been able to cross that line because in the back of my head i know things will always get worse before they can begin to get better. Everything substantial is temporary and i think about that almost every day. Friends are temporary. Life is temporary. Money and food are temporary. Because the situation today may not be different tomorrow or the next day but in my lifetime or yours yea, it will be. So, anyways we were kayaking or rather I was kayaking. Nana was in a canoe with Joe and my aunt uncle and like three or four or five cousins were in a raft together. The river was up seven feet they told us so i knew that i would need to be more careful. My uncle who had gone down the river plenty of times mocked me for wearing a life jacket; calling me a scardy  cat un confident in my abilities and such. It did get to me a bit i admit, so i only fastened the top buckle of my life jacket.i the grand scheme of things I think it was that one buckle that saved my life. It was my fourth time kayaking ever. I wasn't very experienced so i would call myself  a decent beginner.  Not even fifteen minutes into our Little adventure i see some water activity ahead but it was just a little two foot drop though nothing major or anything to bat an eyelash at. Since I had an open kayak however, it did fill up with water. Lucky for me  kayaks don't sink whenever that happens but rather it becomes much more likely that you will tip over. It is less stable and the best course of action is to get it out obviously. So i did just that i started bailing the water out by splashing my legs. I had just rested my paddle across my knees when i noticed that there was more water activity ahead. Was it another foot or two drop? The whole river width was lined with enormous rocks. I aimed for the area with the fewest rocks and realized when I was about more than five yards away...it was not a small drop. With my kayak still full of water i knew i wasn't going to make it. The current picked up and before I could even properly get my paddle under my wrists and hold onto the side handles of the kayak i was at the edge of the rocks and....at least a six foot drop.the water was rushing so quickly i knew i had one choice; i couldn't fix my paddle  under myself in time. The rocks looked like they also knew what was about to happen. I felt my kayak which was already full of water start to tip and sway. I did nothing to stop it... I took in a deep breath...and let my body become like that of a rag-doll. Limp, lifeless. They say that drunk drivers walk away from car accidents because they were loose not tense their guard was down. I can still feel that moment, the wind brushing my face my first contact with water and rock, the relief i felt at first to have gone limp. I opened my eyes under the water and since the kayak had tipped i had seen everything in slow motion and still did. The rock...was beautiful, the water was so clear with the sun reflecting off the water and onto that first rock. It was smooth and brown with little spots of green. I slid across it feet first on my stomach. I remember watching my hands reach for something to grab on that smooth rock and finding nothing. Though it felt like ages I'm sure all of this happened in a moment. I felt my ankle become tugged and as i slid down it hit me from above. That is the water did. All that water was landing somewhere and to me it felt like my back. My lungs weren't yet tight and dying for air. But my eyes still open i saw the rocks turn black and the water was darker it pushed me down, down,down . I felt myself hit another rock and another i slid or rather was dragged across another and in that moment i thanked god for my life jacket which seemed to do me no good here. Except for protecting my chest from being scratched and cut to ribbons by the sharper edges of these deeper rocks.This was after all the rivers territory and i had pissed her off at some point. I felt my knee go across the rocks and a sharp pain come from it which was almost instantly soothed by the cold water. I was turned around. Which way was up? I guesses that up was where it seemed the sun was still shining. Shining as if nothing was going on below it as if my lungs didn't feel like a fire had stated and all the water in the river i was drowning in couldn't put it out. I pushed myself up kicking my legs again and again reaching for a surface that seemed miles away. The water pushed me down. We were locked in a battle of willingness my willingness to live verses her willingness to not let me. I almost gave up .... I thought of mom. Her face came to my mind smiling. And i tried one last time. My nose broke the surface for a split second. It bought me time before the river shoved and dragged me under again. I think i may have drifted away from the main spot where the water was hitting because it had lessened slightly almost like a tease. The air i had taken from the surface like a stolen kiss was running out. A few seconds later....it was gone i opened my mouth out of instinct to take in air that had been replaced by water. And as i said before i felt my life jacket pull me up as if all of a sudden the river noticed i was wearing it and said " sorry about that didn't know u had a life jacket on, that means I'm supposed to let you live." When i came to the surface my adrenaline was still going and i dragged myself onto the nearest rock. My kayak was heading downriver my uncle was standing in a shallower part and caught it and my paddle. My cousins all in their raft stared at me open mouthed. I just shrugged my shoulders when my littlest one yelled "Destiny! Did you know that your leg is bleeding?" I in fact hadn't known. Luckily i was happy that i  had that cut it wasn't incredibly deep and wast extreme in length but rather was just big enough to remind me that there are worse things. I splashed water on myself till the blood finally washed away. I have an alright pain tolerance or so i like to think. After thanking my uncle a thousand times for retrieving my kayak we continued on. Nana and Joe had tipped too in their canoe but were fine as they had tipped after they went down and not before they went over the rocks. So the water didn't pin them down like it did me. And that was the start of yet our third twelve mile journey down the Illinois.