I look down at the picture that is placed on my lap.
It was Dan and I on our anniversary. Dan had his arm around my neck while mine was behind his back and we were both smiling. Obviously not being the most photogenic person in the world I was going to hide my face, but Dan told me to smile. So I did. And I think that this is one of the best pictures we have took together.
God I miss that day. I miss all of the days with him.
I can feel a tear run down my cheek. I watch as it falls and lands on the picture.
Soon I am a sobbing mess. I hold the picture close to my heart and grip it tightly as I cry.
I lay in Dan's bed as I cry, the fairylights twinkling behind me.
I didn't have the guts to get rid of any of his stuff. So everything is in the same spot as it was before everything happened. His piano, the bed, the laptop, everything.
5 years.
It's been 5 years since Dan died and today is the 5th anniversary of his death. And after all this time I just can't seem to stop thinking of him and move on.
I know that it's what I need to do, but I'm not ready to let go. Not yet.
He's too important.
Before I get too lost in my thoughts I hear the door bell ring. Groaning, I gently place the picture down on the bedside table and get out of the bed.
When I get to the front door I slowly open it.
"Hey Phil." Chris says.
I close the door.
"Phil, come on! It's been 5 years. Can we just talk?" I hear Chris say through the door. He knocks a couple more times. "Phil, please." I hear him beg.
After a while of him knocking, ringing the door bell, and shouting for me, I've had enough. I open the door and face Chris.
"Yes, Chris. It has been 5 years, and you know exactly why I'm not talking to you. If it wasn't for you," I say, pushing Chris a little bit. "Dan wouldn't be dead right now! So can you just go so I can mourn my boyfriend in peace!" I yell at him.
Chris furrows his eyebrows, obvious that he's starting to get angry as well. He's tried to talk to me once before and that conversation went as well as this one is. Except that one ended a lot sooner than this one.
The last one ended on me closing the door and then he left. But I guess today he's not going to just leave.
But today is the day that Dan died. Can't he just leave me to mourn? Why does he have to come here today?
"Oh yeah, because it's all my fault." He says, rolling his eyes.
"Have you ever even thought about how if it wasn't for you making him sad-"
"Shut up!" I yell loudly, cutting him off. Chris goes silent.
I feel the tears at my eyes again, about to spill over. How dare he bring that up. God, I hate him so much.
After a few moments of silence i decide to speak again. My voice drops to a whisper, "Just- go away." I look to my left, making sure not to make eye contact with him as the tears start to stream down my face.
It's all your fault.
Chris' eyes turn from angry to pity within seconds. He starts to move towards me, "Look Phil, I'm sorry. I shouldn't of said that." Chris places a hand on my shoulder. "Dan was my friend too."
