Why do people even bother to save the ones that are already underwater? And how do you scream for help when your mouth is full of water? I ask because I've always wonder how it feels to be the hero. Being a villain is pretty easy, do whatever makes you happy. Being a hero makes you do selfish things that at the end should make you happy but to be honest your saving someone when no one is going to save you. Who saves the hero? Who saves the villain? Only a handful of shows I've seen, the goal of the hero is to save the villain, but can we be honest? If we see about the 80% of the shows, comics, legends and stories its about how the hero slays the villain.
Have you ever asked how Ursula, the Evil Queen, Stalin, The Wicked Witch, Hitler and even the Devil himself turn out to be so damned? So rotten? So wicked? No one asks what happened to this individual that made him feel so alone, unloved, full of hatred. We never ask. We just pretend that they were born that way, that the can't change. We see them as a brick wall, that no matter how you ask it to move it won't just that we need to destroy it. Have you ever asked yourself how a villain feels? They feel empty, broken, alone, freaks, evil and that they do not have a chance at life.
I know this because I am one. I'm not doing this for self pitty, or just to make me feel better. I'm just a voice underwater. A villain with no hero. A freak. I'm the one that they warned you not to befriend. I'm the evil in the movie. I'm the devil in your shoulder. Being me it's not hard. I'm not someone that is high maintenance and to be honest I'm not so hard to talk to. Now my problems are another whole deal. And you might feel about this in to different ways, like I'm just being spoiled and a drama queen or you might feel like this is your story. If you feel like I'm being spoiled and a drama queen, I ask for forgiveness because I understand that your problems are harder than anyone out there, but if you are the one who feels connected, who feels themselves in comfort in my words because they understand who it feels, I just want to say you're not alone.
I was conceived into a pretty well stable family, you know, compared to other families, and people ask why do you have many problems? why do you hate yourself or other so much? and I know the problem isn't them. It's me. I'm the one who's broken, the one who's ashamed to be him, the one who feels like shit and when he looks into the mirror disappointment and sadness looks back. I know I'm not the only one out there who feels the same way. Who struggles everyday with the demons holding the razor blade to their arms. Who feels like death is the only wait out. And now I'm going to tell you about me, no matter how selfish it sounds.
I'm the one that wakes up in the morning asking to the heavens above to give them a reason to continue living, the one who sees the mirror and wants to fix everything, I'm the one that when people say I'm great I think they are overestimating them.
I feel fucked up and so broken it would take a whole live to fix everything, I'm the one who's actually afraid to die of sadness. I'm the one struggling right now not to drink the whole cabinet of pills, and the one struggling right now not to pick up the blade and stain it with crimson rubies. I'm not a believer of love but its the thing I most want, to be loved by somebody, by someone who loves my demons, and I love his.
I wonder where is home cause I sure as hell don't want to make one from this ashes that is my live. I wonder were is my golden cup filled with glories because I'm pretty sure it got stolen. Ash and rust are my life and a sky filled with a storm threatening to destroy the few things I've managed to build.
I'm afraid to expose my creativity because it's the only thing pure in me. My faith is in a all-time low. My heart its just grains and my hope are just dreams, in a world where sleep does not exist. All I'm saying hope, seems to be a far away thought, salvation or even redemption is something I read in an old book a few thousand years ago. I'm at the edge of self oblivion. I'm afraid I will fall but to be honest I'm already at the bottom. Bleeding, looking, searching for help.
I miss myself sometimes but then I remember I have to grow up, and that the child that was once inside me died and faded away and I wasn't there to see it. I just hope he went away with a smile because I am damn proud of him. The magic of this world fades as age comes in. You see that your parents are the one who break you trying to fix their problems through you.
I've seen that no matter how many times you hit that window that separates you from freedom and those green grasses, it will never break. I guess and it's my believe that you need to make home where you are. In those shadows that surrounds you. Feeling forever envious of those living in the houses made of bricks while you live in a cardboard box. Where the sky isn't the goal, its your limit and giving you a sense of being trapped, where your mind is your worst enemy. I envy those with true happiness in their lives and with a true smile written in their lips. While I freeze in the dessert of self hatred and uncertainty forever.
I was born a villain and never meant to be saved, not by the knight in shinning armor, not even by me. I was born to drown forever underwater always screaming for help to those who live above, breathing. I was born dead inside. I was meant to live a life of many possibilities and no chance of achieving them. I was born alone and alone I will die. I was born in to a world of light while I am full of darkness. I was born to be free inside a cage. I will always wonder if someone will actually read this. I was born into a unpleasantly world. In a bed of nails, I was born to be forced to be someone I'm not. I was born into the villain dying in the stormy sea.
