Disenchanted

1 Minute and 44 Seconds

A lot can happen in one minute and forty-four seconds. Someone could die. Someone could orgasm. Someone could break up with their significant other. Someone could make a friend, or meet someone new. Someone could play a song. Someone could read a page of a book. Someone could do a change of clothes. Someone could walk from one room to the next. Someone could make a life changing choice. Someone could break something valuable. Someone could get their period. Someone could throw up. Someone could put on lipstick. Someone could draw a picture, or write a couple sentences. Someone could take a shower.

The point is that in one minute and forty-four seconds you can do a lot. In one minute and forty-four seconds I can regret all the choices I've made.

One minute and forty-four seconds is a lot when you ice skate. It's a whole program. A dance that could make you win or lose. You tell a whole story in one minute and forty-four seconds. One minute and forty-four seconds was exactly how long "Russian theme" was. It was one minute and forty-four seconds of regret.

I'm sorry Robin that I never got very far. You were a good coach, and I was just not a good student. You did offer a hell of a lot to try to make me a good skater.

I guess I'd have to thank my mom for getting me out. It wasn't what I truly wanted. I was 8. I didn't know what I wanted.

But sometimes I wonder if I actually became good, really good, would it have made a difference? Would I have done great things, or would I have just ended up right back where I am now?

I'd give anything to get it back. You don't understand, I'd give anything to get that back. Maybe I wasn't happy doing it, but at least I could've been good. Because maybe I don't get nightmares but I do get dreams of who I once was. And I'd be able to go back and do it all again. It's just a ghost now. The rooms are empty, and there's no going back. I can't go back.

It's been almost three years and I don't talk to anyone I once knew, except when I occasionally see Amanda at school. I didn't try to contact them, and they didn't try to contact me.

Maybe I wasn't supposed to be that person after all. But I can't help but wonder who I left behind. Because all I have from her is regret.

One minute and forty-four seconds, enough time for me to regret growing up.