The paper dreams of a paper girl

Paper death

I stand on the edge of the platform overlooking the just a small part if the infinity of the ocean ,my mind wondering what could have been if I'd left when I could. Maybe, just maybe I could've escaped the bullet, save my future of nows. I should've gone to paper towns and never came back, but I didn't, I chose my love over my safety.

As I stare into the void I find a dying star and just before it dimmed, it shone ever so brightly as the waves overlapped and crawled up the shore as if they were begging for safety, I compare it to my life and how I'm slowly crawling along with the wind, floating like a bird with the sky as the wind waves my hair. Fantasy. I have to focus on now.

My mind is a whirl wind if thoughts: my parents, Q, Lacey . Do I run like the foolish child I've been all my life or do I face my troubles? Just then my phone rings and the screen lights up with Q's face, I pick it up.
"Um hi?"
"Margo you have to come round to Bens now!"
"What what happened?!"
"It's Ruthie!"
I hang up immediately and leg it to Ben's house not caring about anything but my little innocent 8 year old sister, knowing that my parents had left her alone. When I finally arrived all I could see was total chaos as I opened the door the first thing I heard were ruthies screams I then too start screaming at lacey without even thinking
" LACE TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED"
" just stay calm Margo" stay calm?
"TELL ME"
" Ruthie ran to ours because she said someone came in her house and as soon as we could grab her in our arms a bullet went straight through her shoulder"
So I say aloud the only thing I can think of:
" SHIT! Ruthie? Ruthie it's ok I'm here, Margos here"
The only reply I get is sobs and screams ripping through her body
" has someone called an ambulance?" I scream mainly at Q. I start to panic as ruthies blood is now dripping onto my hand. I feel Q's arm around my shoulder an he's holding her hand, I would fall slightly more in love with him at this gesture but considering the situation I just stare.
"Shhh they are on their way"
I hear Lacey bellowing down the phone at the operator to hurry up. There's only one thought running through my head and I say it aloud:
" Am I going to lose my little sister?" Her eyes start to shut
" stay with me ruthie come on, it's ok" she can't even talk now and all of a sudden I see a flicker inside of her, my sister. But the next thing I know that flicker is gone. Her eyes fixated on mine and I see all the life inside her drain out as she sheds one last tear.

"DAMN! RUTHIE, RUTHIE NO!"
I just felt Q hug me and I let the sobs take me over. Why? Why would someone want to kill my small sister. I should have stayed home with her. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault.

When the flashing lights arrive I'm in a haze. The songs of the sirens dance around my head as it plunges me back into the darkness.
" what am I gonna do?"
" we wait it out till the hurt is numbed"

Q and I go back to mine and he takes care of me, gives me food an stays with me till I am at rest with myself, reading the song of myself.

'And from the grass I love so, I shall grow , if you want me again look under your boot soles.'