She hasn't called.
It's been days.
Weeks even.
Time is going by agonizingly slow. I'm sitting in my office with a boring manuscript in front of my eyes and not reading it like I'm supposed to be doing. And for some reason, I'm feeling disappointed. I know I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up in the first place and I know she is a stranger, but there's something about her dammit. There's just a resonating calm that I haven't gotten back since I've been by her side. Am I crazy? I mean, am I insane? For thinking these things about someone I met for five minutes?
Yes, you are Tyler. A voice at the back of my head says. She was totally creeped out by you and she never wants to see you again.
I sigh out loud and drop my pen on my desk. This is what I mean, when I say I have issues. This is what I mean when I say I have demons haunting me. They won't ever leave me alone. And neither will she. Her ghost is always with me. Her eyes, her lips, her hair, her smell. It's everywhere and it's been that way since I met her. I look for her in crowds, on busses and when I gaze out the window at work. My heart is constantly searching for hers.
I try and concentrate on something else. Hailey. Focus on something in the room. Hailey. Think about something else. Hailey. It's useless...
Like you Tyler, you psycho.
Another sigh. Luckily I have my best friend Josh to help me deal with all of this.
I need to tear my mind away from her and try my best to focus on something productive. Like work... Focus on the manuscript.
Okay, maybe not.
I call Josh. This is real productivity.
After a single ring, he picks up. This is why he's my favourite.
- Hey Buddy what's up?
- Just at work. It blows... What's up with you?
I have known Josh for a really long time, and he is easily my best friend in the whole world. I can tell him anything that's on my mind and he would never judge me or make me feel as bad as my inner voices do. We met back in college and hit it off immediately.
- Not much man! Just at Taco Bell. Everything okay?
Of course he is at Taco Bell. I chuckle lightly but drop my smile when I realize that Josh is in a really good mood today. He is at his favourite restaurant after all. I can hear the smile in his voice. I don't want to kill the vibe for him with my stupid girl problems. Or with my stupid problems in general. Sighing, I decide against telling him I need help forgetting a pair of eyes looking up at the sky in child like amazement. I speak after a second of thoughtful silence.
- Lets go out tonight buddy. How about it, yeah?
That would be really good for me, I think. Something social and actually requiring basic human interaction for once. Getting out of the house and finally doing something on this Friday night.
Yeah you should really get out of the house sometime... Loser.
- Bruh... Is that even a question. Of course I want to go out! Meet me at my place at around ten. See you then! Love you Ty.
- Love you more Joshiepoo.
Pressing the end button, I let out a sigh of relief. Thank the higher power for Josh. Getting back to work on these stupid unpublished pages full of red pen markings, I couldn't breathe very easily.
It feels like my heart is being squeezed inside my chest. Like someone s sitting on my lungs. I'm not sure exactly what the cause of this feeling is, but it isn't very comfortable. Okay concentrate. Concentrate. Concentrate. Concentrate....
~~
Ten o'clock didn't come speedily, but eventually I found myself jumping into my car and driving in silence over to Josh's house.
Music would be nice but sadly, the stupid radio in my car hasn't worked since I got it. After a drive sitting in silence with my thoughts, I finally reach his street. He walks out of the font door as soon as I pull up in the driveway.
- Lets take my car. Hop in.
I shut off my vehicle and walk slowly over to his. Hopping into the passenger seat, I open the glove box and pull out the first decent CD I saw. Operation "occupy your mind and just let go" starts now.
~~
I'm not usually the guy to do this type of stuff, honestly I promise. But the way she is grinding her hips against mine is really making me crazy. The room is loud and dark and people are bumping into me and spilling beer on me and the smell of sweat and weed is making me cough, but it really doesn't matter. It's just me, in my zone with the booze in my system and the girl dancing on me. What did I even come out here to forget again? Oh that's right, I forgot..! I laugh to myself in that weird way you do when you've been drinking, figuring no one can see my face or no one cares anyway.
I feel sort of weird though. Like there's something I am missing. I feel like my heart is being tugged forward.
I need to forget all this emotional stuff and just have some fun like a normal person. People can't possibly think this much, right?
Josh, dancing next to me, gives me a smirk and makes a thumbs up followed by him yelling something and jumping up and down. I smirked and decided to flip her around cause why not. I know I'm being a fuckboy but I need this. Just once since my youth, I needed to go out.
The moment feels like it's happening in slow motion. Something inside me already knew and something else struggles to believe it's true. The way I lightly tug at her shoulder only to notice her turquoise hair that brushes over my fingers. And then I realize it's too late. My face drops and I let my drink fall to the floor.
It was her, wasn't it. My world freezes and I can't breathe. My heart stops beating as the girl with short blue hair begins to turn around.
She turns completely just as the strobe lights hit us and I swear she is the center of my universe. Hailey's face is right in front of mine. She is here. At this moment, I swear she is here. Her lips are inches away from my face, her eyelashes casting shadows on her face. She looks up at me and I gasp out loud. The very sight of her and the energy that seems to emanate from her is too much for my heart to handle.
The one thing I was coming out to forget... The one reason I was acting completely reckless. And she's the girl grinding on me in a club at midnight.
I'm so stupid. I'm so so stupid. Why would I think I could get away with this behaviour? Why did I think I could come to a club and get drunk and dance with girls and smile and have fun and be normal?
That's when she speaks
- Ummm Tyler right..?
I giggle nervously. What am I doing? Stop giggling. She remembers my name. Okay breathe, breathe. Play it cool. Everything is normal.
I suddenly feel like I am about to throw up. Oh my god, I am definitely going to throw up right now. I need to get out of here. Like right now. I didn't say anything to her as I bolted for the door.
Smooth. Now I just look like a dick. Mental face palm. The fresh air hits my face and I feel everything crashing down. I feel my chest caving in to my rib cage and my rib cage crushing my heart. I am suffocating.
Although this is a common feeling in my daily life, I can never seem to get used to it. I won't say that I am in love with Hailey, but there is something about her that has kept my spirit longing and itching for her.
I decide this is too humiliating to live, so I shoot Josh a text.
Hey bud, I'm going for a walk. Meet for me outside in about half an hour. I need to talk with you later.. Love you with all my heart... I'm alright just emo!!
I pull out my pack of smokes and begin walking to calm myself down some.
Where the hell is my lighter?
