The Results Of A Perfect Mistake

O n e

"Thank you so much for coming here today, I know it probably took a lot of courage but I'm here to help."
I implied that it was no big deal as I sat on a nearby chair trying my best to simply seem invisible. Most of the room had been taken over by a vast collection of books lining every inch of the wall. The window blinds were angled closed with a small Crack of light, making the sun rays shine like arrows from heaven. The lady in front of me seemed to be stuck in fake optimism, with a slight touch of I once tried being a lawyer but that dream went to hell and now I'm stuck here.
"Well, I thought it'd be best to try and get help." I sighed as I slowly brought my scarf up closer closer to my face. The room was so dead silent, I could hear my own heartbeat. Something I spent years thinking I lost, and sometimes even hoped. I could see her staring intensely at me trying to form eye contact.
"Could you please not....look at me" I asked. She understood and nodded, thus beginning her job as none other than a shrink, and placed a small recorder on the table.

"Okay to start off is there anything you want to start by talking about or discussing? Anything you find essential to share." As she spoke she tried her best not to look at me directly in the eye, giving me a bit more comfort. But as my response I just quietly said no.
"Okay....well how about this, what do you find to be a struggle everyday."
I thought deep inside to come up with a simple answer but it didn't seem to come out. To be truthful I don't really know exactly what it is. I could imagine it's simply everything varying in different levels of pain.
"Well...I guess being a failure to everyone and perhaps the loneliness."
I'll admit that did sound like something boring out of a teen novel but it was as honest as I could probably get. The idea of failing the one's that care about me is like allowing my foe to stab me over and over. The weird thing is, I don't just expirience this one time and then have it end, but rather I deal with this viciously strangle, and plagued at me every single day.
"Well what things do you consider failing somebody?" She began writing in her notebook and started her unearthly psychology skills.
"Failing would be, making bad choices, failing is not only screwing up you're own life, but also knowing no matter what you do, you won't get it done right and you'll always hurt someone in the end." She nodded yet again and continued to ask questions.
" Tell me about the first mistake or time you ever felt like you've failed."
I sighed and layer on the couch, noticing some vintage molding around the border of the walls, and began telling my first time witnessing the power of my foolish decisions.
. . .
It was my teenage years, those years you look back at and no matter who you are, you'll see those years as nothing but hell. Preperarions for college, the horomones, and the moment in everyone's life where you are no longer a kid and life will show you all the things you have to escape from, unless you fail that is. I was fairly a great student, high grades, responsible, and always prepared. Or so I thought. I always worked till two in the morning studying and making sure I passed all my classes, and in the day, spent hours earning money to save up. At the time, I had been looking after myself and my father, reason why I worked hard. He had Glaucoma, and knowing he was raised a proud man, the idea of needing my help always bothered him. Throughout all his family you are raised to be proud and strong. You are considered weak to have to depend on others, even if you were dying.
One afternoon coming home from school, I heard him vomiting in the bathroom. It took almost half an hour trying to get him to open the door, and when he did, I could still remember that expression of hopelessness in his eyes. Never have I seen father so lost of pride and dignity like I did that day. And so due to that, I skipped work and stayed with him, making sure he was okay. I will admit that was a mistake, but never one I will ever regret. I stayed with him for almost a week, and for that, I was fired, left to search for a different form of income. That situation was one that caused such a chain reaction. If I had left my father, he would have probably resented me till his deathbed and still had a job, but now I have his faith, yet a disappointment and jobless failure.
That's what led to the most life changing mistakes yet.
. . .
An alarm began ringing signaling us my session was over. Just in time matter of fact.
"Im...sorry about the difficulty between you and your father, quite frankly I admire the care you have towards him"
She gave me a sympathetic smile and waved me goodbye. I walked out her office into the waiting room, filled with psychology magazines and a young secretary who seemed like she regretted this job dealing with atypical patients like me. Walking out the building a great heap of winter breath wrapped around me, but could only embrace my face as I brought closer my coat and walked to my car. Looking into my rear view mirror I saw it. Pulling down my scarf, I saw the scars stretching across my face. I begin to wonder how somebody could ever get used to scars, how to continue a normal life when they never had one to begin with.