And they all lived painfully ever after...

Hansel and Gretel die painfully

There was once a little house at the edge of a wood with a family of four inside. There was the father, who was a woodcutter, the wicked stepmother (why are they always wicked?), and two children named Hansel and Gretel. They were mainly a happy family, but for some random reason, the stepmother hated Hansel and Gretel. One night, the stepmother told the father to send the children out in the woods while he was woodcutting, but then leave them behind. Then they would have enough food. But Hansel secretly heard all this through a... I don't know, a vent or something. He told his sister what he heard. She was very scared, but Hansel told her he had a plan. The next morning, when the father told the children to come along, he turned around and picked up some white pebbles. His father asked me what he was doing, and Hansel replied,"Just waving at my previously unmentioned cat. Throughout the trip, Hansel scattered little white pebbles on th--

Hold it. You know what? I'm just going to skip to the part where they see the candy house. You already know how the story goes and I'm bored of writing this.

The children had (stupidly) forgot think about the fact that the birds would eat the breadcrumbs. They were lost. As they wandered around, they noticed a house made of candy that for some reason, their father had never seen in all his woodcutting days. Being the little brats that they were, they proceeded to eat the house. I mean, come on children! Somebody lives there! As a matter of fact, an evil witch lived there. She wanted to eat the children. So she waited until the kids were so fat and bloated with candy, that they could barely move. She ripped of Gretel's leg, froze it with some magic freezing spell, and bonked them both on the head with it until they died. Then, she ate their flesh. And they all lived happily ever after.