And they all lived painfully ever after...

Jack and the Beanstalk (Oh boy, where do I start?)

Once upon a time, there was a really stupid boy called Jack. So stupid in fact, that he sold his family's only source of money (a cow) for some "magic beans". I mean, I know that he gets usually rich at the end, but what is this story telling us? Have faith in traveling salesmen with supposedly "magical beans?" Well anyways, Jack sold his cow for these beans, and started to walk home to tell his mommy how proud she should be. Understandably, she got mad at him and chucked the beans out the window (which, by the way, probably isn't the smartest thing to do with your beans. She should have planted them or something). The next morning, when everyone awoke, there was a huge beanstalk outside the window. Bla bla sack of money, bla bla golden goose, bla bla magic harp etc etc etc. Jack quickly hopped down the beanstalk and went to get an axe. Now this giant was having a very bad day, so he didn't even bother going down the beanstalk. He just grabbed a huge rock and dropped it onto Jack's house. It got squished and everybody inside it died. And the giant lived happily ever after.