Now..
Sometimes when you get so overiacted over something small you cry or chuck a hissie...and then you look back on it and think "what the hell??" thats kind of what I feel like... except i can't look back on it. Because I'm allready dead. Its not about how I didnt get an A+ on my last english essay... Its not like that.
You know how when you say something over and over and then all of a sudden it means nothing. Well say life over and over again. What does it mean? nothing. Thats how i felt. But thats not all...
Im burning in hell.
Then...
The first thing i noitce is the tic tock of the cheap plastic clock. I know were i am. I lift my head up and look into the mirror under the clock, rite infront of the bed. My croped brown hais scruffed and messy. My eyes are wild and broken into a million pieces like glass.
"Charlie? are you awake? Oh Charlie..." My mothers whisper is faint and scared
"what have you done to your self?" she moves her hand so her thumb was rubbing my forearm.
"I don't know." i say hoping she didn't cry. That always made me regret my feelings.
"why do you want to take the easy way out?" I hear light sobs in her voice.
"what have i done do make do this to urself?"
"its not you mum. Don't blame this on urself."
"then what is it?"
"Not much." i say with a smirk on my face. Dr smith walks in with a clipboard and pen in her hand.
"Charlie... This is the third time this term that you have had an attemped at suiscide!" she looks at me like Im a freak
"So?" i say shrugging my shoulders
" You need to understand what not just you but your mum is going through. You are not just killing yourself but deep down you are also killing everyone around you." Dr smith says as if i should know this.
"Well you know as much as i do that really what Im trying to do is relieve my pain."
"But what am I talking about. You wouldn't know what I'm talking about." I say smirking
Dr smith sighs
"at least i tried" she mumbeld under her breath
"ok." she says sitting down next to me and pulling out a small nflash light.
"OK. look at my finger." she says and turns the flash light on. she starts to move her finger around and my eyes followed her finger.
"can you at least promise me one thing... at least do it when your mum and dad aren't home. so they don't blame themselves." she whispers so that mum couldn't hear her.
"OK." i say just to prove that i was listening
NOW:
huh... you would think that at that stage i would have listend. But no the pain that they cut was so deep and painful. every day was hell yet it was more or less my everyday life. It would be a couple of texts and maybe on the occasinal piggy in the middle at school.
then i would get on facebook after school and guess what. another rumor would be spredding.
THEN:
that night after i came back from the hospatil i got a text from one of my dear old friends Jack.
"hey dipshit... u died yet??? and hav u hooked up with a guy yet??? yea thats rite gaybo. we no ur little secret."
my breath sticks in the gruff of my neck. i shove past mum and into my room. i flip my phone open and text back
"HUH!! just got back from the hospital when i got ur text...almost like ur stalking me u asshole!!!!!!GO FUCKING DIE IN A HOLE!!!!"
yeah i know...probably came out a little bit harsh, but he deserved it. I shut off my phone and chucked it somewere on the floor next to my bed. I lie down on my bed and somehow manage to to fall asleep.
I find myself in a small white room with a single door. i turn around and there is Jack and his "pack" looking at me and luaghing at me and calling me names. I turn around and bolt through the door. But Jack is standing on the other side. i shuve past him and unlock another door. I lock it and turn around and find myself in a dark room,I cant tell how big the room was. All of these different coloured swirls twisting around. a first i thought it was just my sight playing up, but when i tried to grab a yellow swirl i ended up twisting around with it...kind of like i was on a slide. at the end of the slide was Jack. I tried to crawl bak up the slide but i just kept sliping down closer and closer to wat semed like the end. i tried to climb on to the sides of the slide but they kept growing wider and wider. Thats all i remember and then i wake up twisted in my sheets. all wet and sweaty. my breathing heavy and hollow. i look at my watch 6:58 am. i get up to have a shower and get ready for school. I look out my window and its another overcast day outside.
"HEY CHARLIE, CHARLIE! awwww damn ur not dead. How sad is that guys?" Jack turns around and his "pack" nod in sadness.
I trudge up to Jack with only my dignety and anger...and trust me thats all i needed to do what i was about to do.
"I thought i told you to go fucking die in a hole last night." i mumble in anger and lift up my fist and hit him so hard that i heard a crack from his jaw. whilst he was in shock and pain I bolted away and around the corner of the office. I here Jack shouting at his "pack".
"WELL WHAT ARE DOING JUST STANDING THERE!!!! GO AND FUCKING GET THE BLOODY RUNT!" he screamed
i hide under a bench on the side of the hallway. jack and his "pack" run past in a clatter.
i smile and crawl out from under the bench. i turn around and find Mr anaty breathing down my neck.
"hello Charlie" he says."you feeling ok?" i sigh and nod.
"Have a good day then Charlie." he says walking off. I turn around and run for the computer room.
I open the car door and jump in the car.
"hey sweety. How was your day?" mum asks in a sweet light and fluttery voice
"average." i say like i do most days. I just say that to make her feel happy. When really my day has been bullshit after i hit Jack. They all bashed me in reccess. this was going to be my last day.
it had only been a couple of weeks sense i came back from the hospital. i felt like this was a desision that i would decide and me only. After dinner that night i retreted up to my bedroom. i had hid a nife up my sleeve from helping my mum with dinner. i took a slow agonizing moment. my hole life had been leading up to this moment. I realized that i wasnt ment for this world. i wanted to let my sole free to rome the world. It was now or never. I lifted the nife up to my chest. I put both my hands on the top of the handle, close my eyes and thrust the nife into my chest. They say that whilst your heart stops your brains reflects on your life, people explain it like a dream. mine was a nightmare. i felt my body shrivle on the floor.this was it my last breath. i draw it in and fling it out into the world that i was leaving.
