bars afi

II

"mommie what are we doing here?" i yelled over the loud thump of the deep , heavy bass rumbling in my 9 year old undeveloped chest. "i'm working right now leave me alone little brat" she slurred at me. about 5 minutes after that, a dirty looking man with a long black beard and no hair with a big round belly and huge arms who was 5 times the size of me looks at me and calls me over.
"y-es-s sir did i do something wrong?" i asked with the most innocent guilt and fear of where i was.
"no no pretty girl, your actually doing every-thing right."
"why are you talking like my mommie? it's scaring me"
"your about to be even more scared. so innocent and pure, i can't wait to destroy you."
he pulled me up and dragged me by my hand into the men's bathroom , i've never been in one before. the next thing i knew his hand was unbuttoning my jeans and his other hand was over my mouth stopping me from screaming.

i wake up in a cold sweat and tears falling from the sides of my eyes because of the sad past i was reliving in that nightmare. my careless bitch of a "mother" who gave birth to be and that was about it, let that happen to me. she was bartending at a club and was to busy to realize her only daughter was about to be raped. but something happened right as he was about to do incredibly explicit things to me , a man with curly hair and hazel eyes walked in. i thought he was going to help the man hurt me, but he was there to stop him and protect me. he pulled the man off of me and put his hands in cuffs as i scrambled to pull up my "My Little Pony" panties and blue jeans. i wiped the tears that were falling down my face and the man picked me up and held me close to his chest and whispered in my ear
"everything's gonna be alright sweetie, your ok now, your safe with me i promise." that man saved my innocence, and after he got me into his cop car he sat me on the back seat and he and a woman who was in the car waiting, looked at me and asked me a few questions
"what's your name cutie?"
i sniffled and swiped the last remaining tears on my face, "andrea lizel"
"what a beautiful name andrea. now tell me, how old are you?"
I held up 9 fingers and then the man started writing something down on a paper.
"am i in trouble?" i was nervous that was my fault and i would get in trouble and he would tell my mom what happened. "no not at all honey we just want to make sure we have everything we need to make sure that man never does this again," the woman said
"my names anne marie and this is my buddy partner john and were here only to help you... i promise"
i never saw john after that night but i saw anne marie in questioning with my mother a few weeks later . she let that bastard get away because he never actually touched me, and anne marie tried fighting her decision on it.
a few years after this night i began thinking that i had no idea who i was because of the things that have happened in my life that could've changed who i am. yes i'm the sarcastic, bitchy, a little crazy, girl everyone wants to avoid, but who am i if i don't know myself?

so i thought and thought about who i am and couldn't think of anything. every time this nightmare decides to revisit me, i remember my crisis. i still have no answer and i don't think anyone can just pop into my shitty life and show me. i'm stuck here with just me and my shadow, reminiscing all the things i regret leaving.